Happy birthday to me!

*sings* Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday happy birthday. Happy birthday to me. *sings*

Now That sounded so forever alone HAHAHA. But who cares. Today my birthday YAYYYYYYYYYYYY. OK SHIT WHAT  DO I SAY NOW I AIN'T PREPARED ANY BIRTHDAY SPEECH. 

Okay never mind hahahaha this is so gay I just congratulated myself on being one year older and one year wiser. (I think) just now my phone was just bombarded with messages it just kept vibrating and vibrating for like 10 minutes after 12. And it was just awkward when the first to wish me was my manager lol and it was on the work whatsapp grp then so formal still use my full name. Then after that sooooo many more just kept coming. Okay but I abit disappointed cos still got more I expected to wish earlier didn't wish at all ): I shall take it that they're sleeping. 

This year isn't that special cos I'm working and all just to get money so I can study overseas and buy things I like so I wanna earn a lot of money although part time like not a lot of money to earn... So today I'll be working and hopefully birthday luck gives me loads more of pwp so I can earn more hehe. So far I received a few gifts already and they're realllly pretty so thank you to those that sent me or personally handed their presents THANK YOU!! Receiving parcels from overseas so exciting hahaha especially when I open the parcel and see all that bubble wrap stuffed inside. 

Okay so I shall end this hehe. 

🎉🎈🎁🎂🍰

Sometimes I laugh sarcastically at how I've turned out to be.

Sometimes we just forget the reasons why we started out doing something in the first place.

Disliking people. It works that way too. After a while you start to realise that you don't dislike them anymore but it was more of you being used to it. Habits are hard to change. They stay there for a pretty long time. You don't notice them but they exist. 

I feel like I've lost sight of what I really want to do. I'm not putting enough effort in achieving things I really want for myself. I keep living in the constant stage of regret then forgetting that I ever made that mistake and encountered that setback. That really sucks because I'm not moving on whereas everyone around is just moving on, accepting what they have done wrong and improving themselves. Motivation isn't easy either. It's just that sudden boost of determination and after that I just forget. Just like how sugar rushes work. A moment of hyper ness and happiness and then poof it's just over. If only... Such moments of motivation can last longer. My whole life maybe. Then I'll turn out to be a better person. A person that actually achieves something and is proud of it. Not a pathetic person that lives in all that denial like no I did well it was other factors that caused this failure. No no it was never my fault in the first place. Until reality slaps you in the face. Everything becomes clearer in those few seconds where your face is still stinging from that slap.

Expectations. I feel like ripping that word into a million pieces then scattering it into a volcano with like hot lava boiling. I feel like taking every dictionary in the world and blanko-ing that word. I wish it didn't exist. All that expectations. The bane of my life. Everyone around me is telling me well you're smart so you should be able to do well. And they expect me to do well. But no. Apparently it was all an illusion. I am in fact stupider than an average human being and the only mission in my life is to live happily forever after. I wish.

But then I realise I can't complain. Putting expectations upon others. It's human nature I guess. And that causes disappointment. So much disappointment... it's like carrying the heavy burden of expectation and walking on the glass shards of life, barefooted.

Then again I am thankful for the little happy things in life. 

Infinite is out with a new teaser and block b is out with their new song. Well at least they took my mind off being frustrated. Every post needs a mention of either one of them. At least my day is brightened.

Well I shall go sleep. Really tired these few days cos I keep going to work and work and more work. I have a strong feeling that I'll be a workaholic in future, seriously.

It's 3 days to my birthday. And I'm working on that day! *Laughs sarcastically*

슬퍼 하지마

I tried my best to get those tickets. But I didn't win. I swear I would have bought the tickets if I really had the money. I really would have. Now when I have the money then all the good seats taken... Seriously damn sad okay. Like I feel so bitter now my stomach is just hurting like shit and I feel so limp and weak. 

Is there no more other chances...? I really don't want to see all the good reviews and fans spazzing then I'm like... Well I didn't go. And just hide in a corner and weep. Infinite has to be back for a fan meet up soon cos I WILL GO. I SWEAR LIKE REALLY I WILL. SO I SAVING MONEY. Working so hard during the holidays so I can get as much cash as possible in my bank account so I feel like a total workaholic right now. I think I'll be able to get at least 1000 dollars in my bank account whoop whoop. 

On that day maybe I'll go and get some merchandise and make myself happy. Oh yeah and the destiny album I'm gonna get on my birthday. Maybe I shouldn't feel so depressed and look forward to the things I could buy with that kind of money. Hmm like maybe a new guitar!!! 

Hahaha comforted myself just like that. 

Food for thought.

Man I really didn't know... 

I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have been like that.

It's back to Square 1. 

Starting again is really tiring.

Sometimes I just laugh but it really isn't funny at all.

Being foolish and clumsy isn't funny at all.

Gosh now I have this really bad headache.

It's like something is trying to drill out of my skull.

I should go sleep.

<<Random>>

But seriously. I think episode 162 of running man might by far be my favourite idol special. Maybe because myungsoo and sunggyu appeared. Although they didn't win but it was nice to see them try their best at all the games. Furthermore, idol groups I like appeared hahaha. Running man staff sure do have the eyes for all the right people to invite on the show. 

Sometimes I wonder how it is like to be an Idol. 

Does the pros ride over the cons?

Is the popularity really that worth it.

It's been quite some time and Block B has been on hiatus. Its been quite some time already and I hope they'll regain some activity. ): Maybe it's not that nice being an idol. After all, everything you do is watched upon by the public and any little silly thing is criticised. Block B was just trying to protect their rights and the Thailand scandal was obviously some silly little bored netizen trying to stir up some trouble by amplifying the actual situation. I pity them. Nobody deserves to be insulted at for no apparent reason. I hope the 1100 won project really works out.

그날.

너 아니면 안돼.

또...

Well I keep a lot of things to myself. It's not about acting mysterious but I just feel that sometimes it is better to keep to yourself than externalising everything. It's like a book in a library who is available for all to read and a diary locked up in a drawer that is only available for its owner to read. I want to be the diary. Because diaries capture memories whereas books in the library capture only the attention of readers. 

Sometimes I post about vague stuff because I just start thinking about things and then my thoughts just gets messy and I need to get some thoughts out.

It's 2am now. Time flies when I'm blogging and just thinking about things. Well I should sleep since I'm gonna be going back to CCHMS tmr and reliving the happier days. 

안용. 

Burden lifted.

Today was such a disaster. Basically it was just me at work and being clumsy as always. Accidentally spilling Parmesan cheese powder on myself... Almost dropping this plate I was wiping... But then something happened that wasn't my fault and I got scolded. But if I spoke up for myself then I would be like risking unhappiness in everyone towards me since the situation was really against me. I didn't apologise because it was something I really didn't get wrong. Okay.. Here goes.

Well the problem was that I delivered food to the wrong table and the guest had already started to eat the cod roe pasta. But apparently I had been told that the pasta was meant for table 40 -_- and that was along with the salad on the tray. I even repeated and asked all table 40 and then I went to give the pasta to the customer. Well ended up it was the wrong order and the manager got pretty pissed with me since I was the one that passed the food to the customer. But wtf seriously I even double checked the order okay. After that everyone just treated me like I was hard of hearing or something like they keep repeating what table the food was for and like how many cups of hot tea or iced water or warm water. I was super annoyed since it wasn't me that heard wrongly okay my ear holes are there for a reason. I know I may seem blur at times cos I stare into space and think about things but my memory is pretty good okay and I can remember things fine. (not bragging) 

After that I was just pretty out of everything since I was just sad and disappointed that I was wronged and then I kept thinking about how I should have just not gotten a job in a restaurant since I was so clumsy and stuff. And I got chided again for looking expressionless. I tried to hold back my annoyed face already cos I didn't want to seem like a grumpy staff and spoil other people's appetite. But then I was told to smile. Well I couldn't do anything else so I plastered this fake smile on my face. It was really hard okay because there was a lot of unhappiness within me. I tried to amuse myself and try to make some unhappiness go away by looking at cute little babies and waving at them. It did help when the crying babies stopped crying when I smiled at them. I felt a little unhappiness go away.

Basically there were quite a few Korean customers today. It seemed there were more Korean customers than the rest today. I felt proud of myself when I could actually understand them hahaha. Maybe being language inclined isn't such a bad thing after all. Learning languages quickly and being able to understand people from other countries. But I should work on my japanese... I can't understand when people with heavy japanese accents start to speak in english. Like today I heard pepperoni as Parmesan... maybe I should work in a Korean restaurant since my Korean is better than my Japanese (Japanese I learnt from watching anime to be exact) 

Speaking of customers, my favourite customers would probably be like the American and Canadians since they're really friendly and polite when they ask for things. (especially couples!!!) And smiling at them just comes naturally. Well this is just based on first impression and there is probably gonna be other exceptions but this is my opinion hehe. The worst customers would probably be the locals... Not all but there were a certain few that were really snobbish and it felt like they felt like they kind of looked down on the people working in restaurants. But excuse me, without us would be there be you eating the food and serving the food right to your table.

Well I'm really thankful for this blog because I can spill out all my troubles here. I feel like I shouldn't complain to people because I think they have their own problems too. Although its fine if people complain to me if it makes them feel better. It's really nice to know that people trust me enough to pour out their troubles. I think writing long posts like this really helps me think through about things. Complaining to others might actually make me even more upset and i might like even cry. I think i would shock a lot of people if i just started crying... Because i dont show a lot of emotions on my face. Others might feel that I'm pretty emotionless. In a way that is true... But my feelings just don't show easily. 

Peace.

I feel so much better now.