1000th

I'm so surprised this blog has hit 1000 page views. I started the counter maybe earlier this year so I didn't expect it to hit 1000 so quickly. Maybe all those 1000 views were contributed by me or just random people blogwalking.

I think it was a moment of insanity when I posted my blog URL on twitter. Its so open sometimes I feel intimidated like people might read about me and be like Oh this girl trying to seek attention. Frankly speaking I don't really care. As long as your comments don't get to my ears, its fine. Say what you want cos anyway I don't know about it.

I think only the people that bother reading my posts regularly actually do have interest in knowing some things I only post up exclusively in my blog. They're probably judging too. I'm not saying that its bad.

Its only this year that I've started posting like deep stuff because mere words cannot express these emotions suppressed inside. Its been really confusing and sometimes I feel I am losing myself. Many things are happening and I'm forced to take sides. But the thing is, I can't. No matter how everyone is like Eww you just want to get the best of both worlds right. I don't deny this. Everyone is selfish in their own little ways and I can say I am selfish because all I want is unicorns and rainbows and happiness. This is probably why most of the time I'm just kicked to the pavement and left alone because everyone feels I'm not on their side.

30/11/2013

I need to rant.
Terribly hungry but I just brushed my teeth. Sigh so I should drink water and forget I'm hungry.
Today I got scolded by a lot of people. I don't know but it just seems like today it was like that.
LPB scolded me for clarifying my doubts for the conclusion part. She said I totally did not understand what was a conclusion. Well, okay I get it. I really didn't understand what I was doing anyways. She hasn't been the best of help when we needed her to guide us. Currently I'm clueless as to what I have learnt. Read all the tort notes but my brain is still a whitewashed wall. Got scolded by the dishwasher auntie for eating too slow ): Sorry la I stuff all the food in my mouth and like gulp everything down why you still so angry. She totally came out to look at me every 30 seconds or so just to see whether I was done. I took 15 minutes to finish my pork chop and potato salad. Round of applause I think I broke my fastest record of eating.
Sometimes I also don't want to be so slow in doing things and the thing is I don't like being rushed as well. I seriously think I'm not suited to live in Singapore. Well I usually get left behind and this saddens me a lot. Like usually when I pack my bag I have no idea why everyone does it so quickly and leaves and I'm just like what just happened did everyone just leave and left me here. Of course there are exceptions when people wait for me and sometimes like I feel really happy that well at least someone bothered to wait for me. I think I'm weird haha cos weird things make me happy.
At work today I also got scolded by customers cos the food was slow in getting served. Well I'm used to all that already so hahahaha I just go and bother the chefs about the food and ask them to hurry up before the customers flare up. I never knew people could be so petty hahaha sometimes I'm just surprised when customers wait for like 15 minutes and get mad. Well there are loads of different people out there and sometimes thinking about the experiences with a certain few amuse me for a moment. (Not in a sarcastic way.)
But today was generally alright. I guess the happy things outweighed the unhappy things. LPB COMPLIMENTED MY OUTLINE LIKE WHOOP. It was in her terrible handwriting but still WHOOP. I need to laminate it. Hard work yields results :> Thank you Azeera for helping me print and submit to her hehehehehe cos without your help it would have been a late assignment and she would probably rip it in front of my face. And I have no idea whether its a grumpy face or smiley face.

 Listening to Nickelback's "Photograph". Its a great song about memories. Something I treasure a lot. Sometimes when people lose relationships they treasure a lot, its often the memories that are left behind. Its something that even if you wanted to you couldn't erase. Aren't memories beautiful? The memory of once being so happy in the presence of each other. How the littlest of things matter the most. I still remember this primary school friend I had. We took the school bus to school and home together. I still remember this little game she taught me and we always played it on the bus. I even still remember how she looks like. Although I can't really remember her name any more. The memories still stay. Its been a whole 10 years. I wonder if she still remembers me? I still remember the people that used to bully me in primary school. Those weren't good memories at all but I still remember. How I would get my wallet thrown in the drain. How they would tease me about my surname. How they would kick plastic bottles at me. I had to spend my time in this dark corridor which all the CCA rooms were in my primary school everyday during recess just to avoid them.
I'm a person that gets easily forgotten so I don't expect a lot from people. I don't expect them to remember me, or even acknowledge that I was once part of their lives. But I just am glad that all these memories still exist, at least for myself. I guess the earlier part of my life was kind of dark and maybe sad and sometimes I dislike talking about it cos I might tear up. Maybe that's why I feel so socially awkward sometimes.

Tasty

Its a music video today cos I'm gonna sleep. :>
Its been a busy week and my tests are coming soon sighhhhh.
Went to NTUC and bought loads of stuff today cos I just felt like spending money.
School was pretty routine.
I need to start on revisions soon.
Yay Saturday I can get my laptop case and probably another tuner.
Shopping till I drop.

Seriously considering buying a ukulele. Then my "soon to buy" tuner will come into perfect use cos now I can tune my violin, flute and possibly future ukulele :DD

WOAH WHATTTTTTT

Lets applaud Misunderstandings.

Wow. Great Job.

Thanks for ruining everyone's life.

Thanks for ruining friendships.

Such achievement.

Lets just carry on living our little pathetic lives where misunderstandings leech on our unhappiness and grow into something bigger.

This is a huge transition. The world now is just full of sad people I'm afraid I'm starting to become like that too. I haven't seen someone truly happy in ages. Maybe I just need to get back to doing social work again. I don't get why people just start conflict and tension and carry on with it. Isn't it tiring? 

Reality is cruel. Perhaps this is why there is so much unhappiness. 

I know it is hard to accept things when people tell you what they feel or basically their comments on certain events. But its all something we all have to deal with whether it is in the past, present or future. We just have to see things in a positive light and don't take others to be dissing/blaming/accusing you. In fact, sometimes we say things we don't mean. I do that pretty often. Its becoming a bad habit. Words are suppposed to carry meanings but sometimes empty words spew out of my mouth. My brain just goes standby and I keep saying the wrong things and empty words just spew out of my mouth. What have I become...

Things are pretty rocky in school. I'm trying my best so that everyone can remain happy at least until the end of the semester. Even though some people cannot comprehend why I do certain things, I always have a reason. I hope everyone can understand );

Hoarding this project room and I feel bad ): Originally it was for my tort group meeting. However its really nice though. Somewhere nice where I can get away from everyone.

HEYY SOME IDIOT JUST WENT TO TURN OFF AND ON THE LIGHT AGAIN.

WHAT IS THIS THIS IS JUST WEIRD I'M GETTING GOOSEBUMPS.

OKAY BYE I'M OUT OF HERE.

Late nights are worth it now

I am so relieved.

That moment of courage I am super thankful for.

It saved me.

I think we just needed some time to clear up our thoughts.

Staying up till this late and calling you up wasn't in vain.

Its finally back to before.

Not exactly the same but at least I've managed to pick up bits and pieces and mend it back.

One down, a few more to go.

It's gonna be tough.

Microecons lecture never fails to lull me to sleep. I should listen attentively already ): Midsemstest are approaching. So many things are going on I feel like I should just go hibernate in a hole and forget all of this.

Today

It's cold and rainy everywhere just hurts ESP my ankle.

I lack sleep.

I need coffee

Detachment

It's that type of detachment.

Being involved in your own world.

Too busy to think about anything else.

Everything and everyone doesn't matter anymore.

In this world you find happiness.

Happy 3 weeks old.

I've been sick for 3 weeks.
There's still phlegm in my throat.
AND THE RANDOM COUGHING FITS.
THOSE ARE THE WORSE.
Its probably gonna last for another week.

I hope you germs go to hell.

To the beyond

Sorry exotics but just 5 seconds of infinite just bouncing their heads and Myungsoo and Sungyeol just staring in the distance like models okay so goodbye exo not interested in the song anymore more interested in replaying 11:32 to 11:37 again and again.



All my myungyeol feels. Okay and when hoya was on the screen the screaming just became louder and that was not cos of anything else okay it was cos ermagawd his smile.

So proud of Infinite~ they are the only artistes that won for 2 categories. Dongwoo must be extremely happy hahaha it probably is the best birthday gift out of everything he received. They won for Best Male Artist too. Its been a long time since an artist other than groups produced by the Top 3 entertainment companies had won. IT WAS A RIGHT CHOICE. VOTING FOR INFINITE. INSPIRITS THANK U :D

Its a pity I didn't have the chance to watch the live performance cos I was working D: Its okay cos I'm gonna hope some nice hearted soul uploads it online and I hope I have 6 hours to spare watching it.

*Drags myself out of fangirl state*

Well this week has been awful cos I haven't had enough sleep. 5 hours and less sleep a day is not the way to live. Today I was so shocked cos before Tort lesson started I was seeing black dots and that was the sign I was going to faint. So I quickly sat down and laid on the table and cold sweat was just like making me feel worse. What a close shave :O Its been such a hectic week and its weird cos my heart just accelerates suddenly for no apparent reason. I guess its cos I'm kind of paranoid. I feel like I'm going to fail the mid semester tests. Lots of awful problems ):

Even my blogpost sounds so weird to me now. Its like a different writing style compared to my usual.
Well I better go sleep cos tomorrow is work day again. I need a replacement on Sunday but no one seems to be free. Sighpie ~

Once in a while

It feels like I don't know you any more.
Everyone has changed.
Have I ... changed?
I really don't know anymore.

The white washed walls.
I keep walking into the tunnel.
The warmth.
Its beckoning me.
Something awaits at the end.

Heartlessly.
The string is cut.
I try to mend it.
But its too tangled with the others.

The passage of time may fade memories.
But they never truly disappear.
A mere whisper brings out the memories so carefully concealed.
Even those memories I never wanted to recall.
That I wanted to hide inside this heavily guarded closet.

I'm tired.
So worn out.
Sleep doesn't help anymore.
We should be careful of the world we enter when sleep takes over.
Harmless it may seem but so very dangerous.
Every night its a battle.
Every morning the battle is won.
Many injuries, scars, deaths.
Countless.

My brain is blacking out. Its been such a tiring week. Haven't slept proper in such a long time. I need my long bedtime conversations ): This workload is a total obstacle. Everyone is so busy I guess nobody really stops for a break.

This tinge of sadness I cannot decipher. The words that linger but I still cannot understand. Can I just pretend I didn't hear anything? Can we just go back to before? Please?

I'm sorry.
_________________________________________________________________
Well I have no idea is it this aura I have or what. Do I seem hostile? Maybe I do seem like it because I don't know how to pull off forced words of exchange. I need enlightenment on how I should continue on.
Avoidance. It happens. But why?

Run

It’s pitch dark.
The world moves on too fast.
I’m the only one who’s limping on both legs.
The path I must walk is endless.
What’s at the end of this path?
Are you going there knowing about it?
Will I learn the answers if I go there with my eyes closed?
The sky that never responds to a such question.
The two arms tied up by a daily life is too heavy to embrace dreams.
I’m scared, I’ve been abandoned locked away.
Just for today run somewhere like you’re crazy.

Don't mind me.

How could you even say that. Being in this really sick condition, I had to go see a doctor right? I'm not even using your money because I know if I claim money from you, you would be even more burdened. Saying that I went to see the doctor just to get an mc off work today. Implying that I didn't even need to see a doctor? After 3 days of sleepless nights, do you not see the heavy eye circles under my eyes or sense the exhaust in my voice. Haven't you heard me coughing practically every single minute. I want to hold back the cough, because I don't want to annoy anyone with this constant coughing. But do you think it's so easy? Sometimes I have coughing fits until tears roll out my eyes and I start to gag. 

Do you even know why I still work? Having money in my account keeps me at ease, times like this at least I can pay for myself and I can save the trouble of asking you. Sometimes working and coming home to darkness and all of you are tucked in bed, I feel more at ease this way. At least I don't have to hear this nagging. Sometimes I don't even think its nagging anymore. It's something worse. Something that just fills my head up with bad thoughts. Those bad thoughts that I keep trying to get rid of. 

Blaming me for something I never did. It's not the first time anyway. Just because I wasn't the very best child when I was young means everything is my fault. I fought hard to make you proud. I studied hard. But did I ever get any recognition? I guess not. After all I'm supposed to do it. Its my responsibility. Now I know better. Looking at the past, everything I did was for myself. I live for myself, not for anyone else.

 I still remember kneeling on the floor for four straight hours in "repentance" for something I hadn't done. Nobody pitied me, I just pitied myself, for being at a total loss for words when you slammed the blame on me. No evidence, nothing. Assumptions. Sometimes I question the reason for my existence. To be your punching bag? I guess so.

Nobody really cares. Feelings? I wish I could throw them away.

Rant of the day

Why do I get sick so easily ): always get sick for super long periods of time and it sucks. I can't get enough sleep and my neck hurts cos I have to sit vertically and sleep. When I go to school then I cough like shit and I feel super bad cos the people around me like can get sick and deal with all these I'm feeling. Wah seriously and then there's like so much plemgh in me like I don't even need to eat and I feel full. Sounds kind of gross but it's like I'm puking out loads of plemgh, my throat feels like its on fire and there are streaks of blood in the plemgh I'm coughing out. Well I guess nobody does care when I cough out streaks of blood cos it's after all, common flu and I can't die from it. Or can I? 

Feeling super lethargic every single day. Somedays I sleep a lot and I feel more lethargic than ever. It doesn't even help okay. Sleeping more does not make you more awake. Coffee does. And that's my rationale for sleeping less than the stipulated 8 hours a day. Basically because I have loads of work to do and procrastinate a lot. I can't even not procrastinate. This is very bad. Maybe I need to get therapy ): 

Thus far, it has been a very stressed semester. The past 4 weeks I don't even know what I'm doing. Even though problem based learning has been drilled into my head. I still kind of think it's useless cos we need to get the concepts right after we apply it right? Furthermore if we do PBL I have no idea why the teachers are even there like they just facilitate you like wtf whenever I ask something you just ask me back the same thing like then what's the point of me asking you. Then the criminal law tutor it's like wtf are you teaching and I don't even know when she is in school cos she's an adjunct tutor. Its not that I have issues with adjunct tutors it's just that they are really hard to get into contact with sometimes. Everyone is telling me PBL is useful but frankly I've got to see. I know that if your concepts are strong and stuff you can go through all that learning and applying of concepts but the problem is I suck at stuff like this and need lectures and someone to drill it into my head. Maybe I'm just not using my resources wisely but I'm just not that type of person to keep asking questions cos I don't like troubling others even though I don't mind people asking me.

I think the reason for me getting sick is cos of all this stress. My immunity is already like kind of bad and wow this year I've gotten really sick for really long and even like to the extent of visiting the hospital even the people around me are like meh. It's kind of sad people just classify you as the one that always gets sick and it isn't even something I can control.

People are asking me to stop working but my answer is still no cos working allows me to temporarily forget I have all these piles of work waiting for me to read. It's like a hobby. Wow I think now people think I'm weird but I work to forget I actually have to read this 100plus pages of tort law and apply it to problems like woah that's a lot to do. Not to mention I have to review like 10cases for my criminal law tutorial and put in a PowerPoint so everyone can understand and being in the last group all the expectations are set up there and I can't fall below expectations because look at your peers they all did such a great job and you have to be like them. 

I really dislike this aspect of people when they keep feeling inferior. Well how do I explain this... It's like for example they feel they are always worse off than others then try to gain sympathy(?) frankly I don't really know why they do it. Everyone one is worse off in a way compared to others. Like a rich person is obviously better off wealth wise but is this rich person as happy as a poor person? All of us balance off each other some way or another. This is why we need to help each other. There is no point arguing about why my life is worse off than you because we are different in ways and the pain we feel inside is different. After all the pain is only something we ourselves can feel and others can't so there is no point in comparing. This is so complicated I really don't know how to explain it without offending people. I don't understand why people like look at you and say woah your life is so much better off than mine when in fact if you look at me in depth i am actually not such a perfect person so please don't underestimate the troubles and turmoils i am experiencing. I've had numerous traumatising experiences since young of being like lost and left alone and sometimes injured to the extent that I can't remember some of those memories but when I go to a certain place I suddenly remember and actually I feel very dreadful inside. Being sick so often also makes me very dreadful of people coughing on me and I hope people don't misunderstand my intentions when I react in certain ways because I have circumstances like I have a weak immune system and really dislike being sick because dying of sickness is something I really dislike even to the extent hate cos of certain reasons. It may be a little extreme of me describing things this way but it's human nature so yeah that explains it. This is why I hope people can be more confident of themselves and compare themselves in a positive light and not belittle themselves. Perhaps like that we would be more happy individuals.

Blogging is like writing a diary it really just organises what you feel and vents all that frustration since I don't really like venting to others. Woah after this I should really start on work. Feeling motivated to do stuff today. I can feel the fever coming so I should get work done quickly before the fever affects my concentration. Struggling but I can do this. 👌💪 Gonna skip dinner cos this flu just destroyed all my appetite.

Click the off switch to feelings please and thank you.

So done with people seriously.

Ignorance.

The media is brainwashing us.

We are all just brainwashed to act in a certain way.

Like how we were brainwashed to walk from young.

Walking is normal.

Walking is human.

But has anyone questioned that if we crawled, would we still be "human"?

Sociology is a nice CDS. I really like it. Maybe lectures at 9am are worth it. I don't even fall asleep when I'm like at the lecture sitting alone. Questioning why we behave in a certain manner. It's interesting. Humanities and social science are my thing I guess. Anyways law is still okay cos at least I like it too.

Korean music wave got cancelled. Thank god infinite is on their world tour and cannot participate. I've seen articles. Rage. Chaos. But I'm thankful for being a bystander and not embroiled in this fight. I have no say in who was right or wrong but I believe both parties had some fault. This dark side of the entertainment industry. It's all money isn't it. This society. It's scary really. I'm starting to think money is everything. I shouldn't be like this. I'm afraid to be dragged into the society that thinks working hard and earning money is life. I want to escape the clutches and live out my life in peace. Too much stress. Even my white hairs are growing out. We shouldn't be enduring so much stress. Maybe that is why so many people smoke. To temporarily fog out their troubles and stress.

My mind is heavy with many thoughts. My body is sick of enduring this fatigue I guess it decided to rebel by making me this ill. I hate sickness I hate all sicknesses. Who are you to take away a life without consent. What power do you hold to make a person go through so much torture. For the people around them to suffer so much heartache. 

Why isn't the world all rainbows and happy people and unicorns. 

Another thing. Not too pleased with Woolim merging with SM. Not hating on any of their artists but just hating on the way they deal with things. Its all money isn't it. AGAIN. The artists are the ones that put in the blood, tears and effort. Even their most treasured years where they should be spending having fun are gone. How is anyone going to make it up to them? All of them are the chess pieces of a bloody game. Where plastic surgery reigns supreme and fame determines status. The poor fans. People getting caught in this bloody game. Some fans contribute to the bloodshed with all that hate towards certain idols idek for what reason. Some fans shed bloods for their idols defending their oppas/noonas/unnies/hyungs with all the power they have. On the brighter side, fans do gain lots of things. Music prevented a lot of suicide cases tbh. When you feel like you cannot pull through anymore and just want to end everything. The thought that someone exists out there that you want to meet so badly and pour your troubles to is out there. The joy in seeing those photos on your tumblr dashboard and knowing that there are people out there that feel the similar joy you feel. Only fans would understand. 

Okay maybe I sound like a crazy fangirl here. But well it's true to a certain extent. But my character is more calm and I don't experience very strong emotions unless in extreme cases. It's just numb deep inside and man I don't know why either.

Well I should sleep now or maybe cough to death before my mum rages again at how I can't wake up tmr. (I don't want to wake up at all and face school.) Perhaps I wouldn't get any sleep at all. As always. I hope everyone sleeps well. Goodnight.

I need to get rid of this noise

It's chaos here.

So much noise.

My mind just drifts off elsewhere.

When will this go away...