Sorry

Walking on that gravel path. Feeling the crunch of little pebbles under your feet. 

My mind runs astray. Over thinking? I sure hope it was that way.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Laughing silently to myself. How could I? How could YOU?

Vision blurs. 

I stop in my tracks.

When will this tireless journey end? 

Weary. Tireless.

Fists balled. Teeth clenched. Throat tightens.

A waterfall.

Now I know. 

Everything was pointless.

All everyone thinks of is themselves.

Because ultimately.

You walk along this path alone.

The ones at loss are the ones that care more for others than themselves.

꿈 처럼 오널

Today was such a mind blowing day.

The special highlight would be running man's fan meet. So touched jihyo came like seriously she is so so busy and she came. Monday couple seriously the best 👍. I saw Gary and HaHa up close like OMG SPAZZING SPAZZING KYAAAAA OMYGAWD. My seat wasn't the best but oh wells at least I went right hehehehehe. Thank god I ran up to the front during their finale songs and got a super close look at the members! It was just like the perfect mosh pit experience except that I didn't touch them hahaha (saving it for infinite) I'm gonna write something more detailed and put it on tumblr so fans that didn't go could at least have a glimpse of what happened. I should do my part for the fan society after so many awesome fan cams. 

Yep so basically there were games, singing stages and as usual, talks. The usual questions were asked like whether they like it here and about chilli crab lol. Monday couple were asked about how they thought of Singapore male/female fans and basically I think they threw out all the English words they knew like sexy and nice lol. Well jihyo said there are a lot of nice guys hahahaha. Anyway in her eyes only Gary is attractive so... *shrugs shoulders* 

Moving on, I was so super surprised at jongkook's English. He was like super fluent and it seemed like he didn't need a translator which is totally wowwwwwww. Ji suk jin was super funny which was totally unexpected hahaha he sang during random times like when Psy's Gentlemen was playing he sang the mother father gentleman part and Jihyo joined in too. While they were playing this game where the fans had to shake post its off their body and the fan with the least post its stuck on them wins. Yaknow and the fan on jongkook's team won. While they were counting the posits they broke into this trot like singing style and sang the numbers out. It was super amusing at that time I wished I recorded it down >: all those lucky fans that got on stage got autographs and Polaroids I super jelly can. 

Speaking of which today was Infinite's OGS in Malaysia. Lucky Malaysian inspirits... ): Yeol was like totally hot as always and I regret like not going. T.T like today during the running man fan meet there were people that came alone and I envy their courage. It was kind of funny cos there was this auntie beside me that was like a stone when all of us were spazzing like shit. She kind of joined in and kind of looked uninterested lol. Maybe she was shy idk. But nvm I don't judge hahaha you can spazz like a fan girl and well I think it's super cool and brave that she came alone without anyone. There was this other girl Hillary and I met too and she was super nice. She came alone too hahaha. She nicely took care of our bags when Hillary and I ran to the front of the stage though I knew she really wanted to go up there with us too. Thank you :D it is so heartwarming to meet such nice people. 

Today my favourite stage has got to be Monday couple's stage. Gary was totally awesome omg all that was missing would be Gil to fill in the singing parts. Jihyo rapped a little and it was so mind blowing I am serious their chemistry on stage is really good. Leessang has got to come for a concert I WILL DEFINITELY GO. Leessang songs have this hip hop feeling which gives me the same feeling as blockb. It makes me feel fuzzy hahaha and makes me happy lol. Although it would be nice if jihyo sang the woman who can't break up, man who can't leave with Gary. That is totally their theme song. I think they couldn't sing that tgt cos jihyo can't hit the high notes haha. She's an actress for a reason. TOO MANY MONDAY COUPLE MOMENTS LIKE GARY GOING FOR A FULL HEAD ON KISS AND JIHYO PUSHING HIM AWAY AND HER FACE TURNING RED. OVERWHELMING FEELS.

Well I'm still suffering the after effects of being mind blown. This would be an extremely unforgettable experience. I truly realised my proficiency in korean today hahahaha the things they say I could understand maybe like 70% so whoopee I'm on my way to meeting Infinite in Korea. Now what I'm missing is my plane ticket to Korea and fanmeet tickets. Transforming into a hardcore fan in progress hahahaha. 

Saw lots of fans crying at the fanmeet lol and I was like okayyyy whut. Seriously if I was up on stage in the shoes of the running man cast I would be creeped out by how some fans would cry over just hearing my voice. Being a fan has its ups and downs I would say. Without us fans there would be no idol and without idols there wouldn't be us. It's a interdependent relationship going on there so we have to be thankful of one another's existence. I think it was cos there were too much feels going on only tears could express them.

Being there today was such a miracle. I am thankful for that.

Confessions of a clumsyholic

Wahhhh seriously whyyyyyyyyy. I fell yesterday from tripping over the wheel of a god damned pram. My phone happened to be in my pocket and the impact from the fall gave me a freaking big bruise on my thigh. It's so painful like when I even lightly brush over something it hurts. I sit down and it hurt and even standing or walking it hurts. And I got like scratches on my knee and elbow. And this abrasion I got on my hip cos of my shorts. So now I officially hate prams. And Half of my body hurts like shit it's like those muscle aches you get after doing pumpings ): 

Happened to work today also in my painful state. My eyes were just swollen cos I couldn't sleep well from the horrible pain then like the 忍痛ing totally seeped out my energy. Just nice I was also kept until 11pm ughhhhh. It's always when I feel so energetic and wanna work till 11pm that I get let off early then when I feel so tired I could pass out I get kept till the end. Today while cleaning the tables I also kept brushing against my bruise and it was so cringe worthy I was like OH GOD OUCH THIS BRUISE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT inside then my face was just like >~< and my energy drained out by 10% Oh well I blame myself for being so blind and clumsy. 

Tomorrow is going to be nice. I got running man fan meet tickets! It was totally earned by lots of hard work -- 4 full days of working, waking up at 8 in the morning, endless refreshing of pages to check ticket availability. 

짠! The tickets!

Well this is to comfort myself for not being able to go for Infinite's concert. And happens that they're gonna have their concert in Malaysia tomorrow. And likely the same time as the fan meet. 

I regret things for a pretty long time. Hopefully tomorrow is going to be exciting enough for another blogpost!

Things I think about when I can't sleep

Why do some songs just make you feel so many emotions.

Too much feels.

Is it because we unknowingly link a certain song to certain memories or people. And every time we hear that particular song certain memories concealed within are revealed and you think of certain people.

If I relate you to a song, you must be really important person. Really. Because you matter enough for me to remember you when I listen to a song. And if I link you to a song I really like. A round of applause. You deserve it.

Recently Request by infinite has been making me feel this tinge of sadness and disappointment. But I like the song. Seriously sometimes I think I'm such a weird person. The lyrics of the song are sad but it's upbeat. No joke. I really like such songs and NEVER get sick of them.

Just sound. And they convey so much emotion. 

Can sound waves really control our emotions or Is it just the chemicals reacting in our body making us feel these supposed "emotions". Okay maybe this is getting too deep. 

Sleep is now. 5hours of sleep. This is really driving me crazy.

-random-

For my CDS, I GOT SOCIOLOGY! It's like my first choice yippeeee. But then again no one seems to be in the same CDS as me ): so it's loner time. How am I gonna survive through my CDS projects if I were to have any projects.

And the home button on my iPad is pissing the hell out of me. It seriously has detection problems when I press on it...

Things I do when I'm bored

1. Stalk people HAHAHA. I guess I'm pretty good at this sport (IT IS A SPORT.) Stalking is never easy but with social media and the Internet, the art of stalking has evolved. Well but sometimes it's annoying when people private their profiles hahahaha I have that feeling like they have something to hide. You're on the Internet already seriously what's there to hide. YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE INTERNET. Okay but main point is to be careful especially on Instagram. Yes. Lesson learnt.

2. Blog. Be it blogging here or on tumblr. Blogging is like my life. My second diary. My other self. Its been that way since 2008. I started blogging out of curiosity but basically now it has become an awesome tool for me to unwind cos talking shit and typing out weird stuff really helps. And I know HTML! Isn't that amazing haha. It is to me. I changed the layout of my blog all by myself so it's not like credited to anyone. Tumblr is also wonderful. All those people making gifs. Bless you.

3. Eat. My mouth cannot stop munching when I'm bored. I have so much snacks just at the tip of my fingers or like a few footsteps away in the fridge. All those calories T.T I guess I need to resume my routine of running at the park. I feel so unhealthy now that I've been working most of the time, sleeping late, and munching non stop on midnight snacks all because of my working hours ): 

4. Watch videos. I cannot count how many dramas I've watched already lol. The whole 2 months I think half the time I've spent watching dramas. It's like after I finish a drama my life holds no more meaning anymore lol and I search for more things to live for. 

I miss school. ): 2 months of not stepping into school and I'm feeling school sick. There's seriously something wrong with me. Believe it or not I wanna start on my new subjects. I can't get used to it like not studying or doing any homework or school related stuff during the holidays. Chungcheng has trained me totally in being self disciplined enough to chiong and finish my homework before the first day of school. Now that I don't receive any news from the school, I feel weird. Maybe it's just that I'm not happy with my gpa so I need to work harder the next semester. School please start quickly before I lose my motivation.

Today was pretty fun. Went out with my super bestie, liyuan HAHAHA. Went to the river safari which was FREAKING FAR I SWEAR. Then next was Orchard. We discovered cineleisure and scape LIKE FINALLY OMG SO HAPZ. Looking for scape since like forever. Took loads of photos so I'm maybe gonna upload them when I transfer them over to this iPad! Working tmr so sian. But for money... For my airplane ticket... For my studies overseas... I CAN DO THIS. #leggo

Is this fate or what

My fan blog for Infinite turns 3 today. Just on the day of their concert here. Is this fate or what?

Which pretty much reminds me how long I've been a fan of them for. 

I have to be there at their next concert. I've decided.

DDAY

Well I've been talking and thinking about today for a pretty long time. Thinking and thinking...

INFINITE'S OGS IN SINGAPORE.

I really regret not grabbing the chance ): but circumstances have led to this. Although I'm really really thankful to huekyee and kailing who were there with me to buy merchandise and queue in the hot flaming sun. ( Now I have slight sunburn D; ) Currently while I'm composing this post, there are people that I fully truly envy being there and cheering and supporting infinite. I am glad for that and I believe I will have a chance to do so too in future. It's just that currently I'm busy with work and stuff and maybe if I earn lots of money from part timing the next concert wouldn't be too hard to go for. I will just go for it myself if no one else wants to go with me. I cannot afford missing another chance again~

Well I hope they have a great time here with all the Inspirits at the concert!

Today actually wasn't too bad. I took time off from work to go and buy merchandise. And huekyee and kailing thankfully came along with me! Although the hoodie I wanted sold out but I just quickly chose other items because at that moment the merchandise was just to cover up for the experience at the concert if I actually bought the tickets. I spent much less than I actually thought I would.

After that we decided to go for this mummy exhibition at the art science museum (Mummy: Secrets of the Tomb) which was like super exciting and cool. I love museums seriously why are museums so interesting. I was so excited hahahaha because finally I got to go for the exhibition which I had been eyeing for so long and then everyone I asked didn't want to go. I guess they don't understand the curiosity and thirst for knowledge museum goers enjoy. 

For like 13 dollars, I amused myself for 2 whole hours and it was totally worth it. Got gong cha after that and as usual it was really sweet ): sigh what's wrong with me why do I find stuff too sweet easily nowadays. 

In conclusion, today was really well spent and I was glad at least I got to be at the stadium to feel the atmosphere and get my merchandise. I am still kind of sad I can't go though. *Sobs in a corner*

A short one

Oh dear my poor knees feel like they're all shattered and cracked up inside ): standing for too long not good for knees... And all those snacks I've been munching on all day long during work. I'm gonna gain lots of weight which means I need to go running. ._.

Well it's tough removing nail polish. Got all that colour off my nails haha cos all of them were chipping off cos I slam the cashiering drawer on my fingers and lots of other accidents happen. Careless can totally be my last name. My poor fingers are bruised and bloody from cuts and bruises.

HAIIIIYOOOOO SPENDING MORE AND MORE MONEY LEY THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WORK AT SALES. 

Better start working at waraku soon since I got a pay rise hehehe!

Just a complaint

Recently my friends have been referring me to as a mother in the group. I don't really like it ): furthermore I'm like the youngest few among everyone. Maybe it's not the age but more of the level of maturity and personality. But frankly speaking I don't like it... I'm not deserving of such a title. I've tried showing dissatisfaction but then it doesn't work. Why does it never work... (Which reminds me of very similar occurrences which left quite some scars on everyone's hearts.) I really hope things don't ever turn out that way. 

I've thought of putting it across blatantly but that might be hurting since that term was given out of fondness which I really appreciate.

Maybe cos I wanna be a better person. After all I wasn't that good of a character in my younger years... I tried changing my thinking and that really helped. Everyone should try to improve and develop  into a better person. I try to influence people into thinking positively and trying my best to give them good opinion. Okay maybe that is how I feel but I shouldn't impose my thinking on others... 

Sigh.

Listening to emotional songs to make me sleepy. I need to sleep soon cos it's close to 3am. 

I feel like nobody cares

Basic outline of the day is just work. Seriously my kneecaps hurt like shit after standing for hours straight for so many days. Although I'm just standing there and slacking around and money just kachinks by the hour, it's really physically exhausting... not to mention boring. I don't have data connection and so I can't even check whatsapp and talk shit with anyone just to pass those gruesome hours. First 4 hours I was asked by the manager to count the human traffic. WORST 4 HOURS OMG I ALMOST DIED OF BOREDOM. Just stood there and talked to the security uncle for super long to pass time. Confirm cannot meet sales target at the rate of the crowd coming in. There were loads of curious Chinese tourists from china that kept going inside and outside then I was like super confused and the children kept walking in and out Ughhh. After that thankfully I got put back into cashiering and it was still pathetic thinking about how many customers I served. 

Feeling so troubled now and I don't even know why. Maybe I just need to sort out my thoughts. Feeling kind of depressed nobody has the time or wants to go with me to get infinite merchandise. I seriously super sad la everyday I like loner like that birthday that day my mum forget about my dinner time then I had to eat alone. Okay it's like a permanant scar on my heart I will remember it forever. *sad music plays*

Did some random stalking on Facebook and twitter just now. Then I realised how much people I once knew very well all had their lives in order in stuff and that just got me thinking. What was I doing with my life? I was living without any specific aim. It's not like my life is falling apart and things are going against my favour but personally I feel that being stuck in the middle sucks even more. My whole life I have been like that. Neither here nor there. Failing to meet the mark EVERY SINGLE TIME by just that little bit. At least if my life was falling apart my aim would be to fix it. But being neither here nor there no matter how much effort I put in.... Is my life a fucking joke or something. Thinking about it I don't know what emotions I should be experiencing.Or am I just totally lacking in emotion. Totally at a loss of words at how my life is being joked with. 

Been putting Block B's Be the light on replay nowadays. I just have this emotional connection with the song somehow. The lyrics relate to me. I cannot literally describe it but it's just this feeling I have about the song that makes me like it so much. And how zico is the one that is SINGING my favourite part like omggg everyone was spazzing over how he sings but he sang in Movie's over too and that was my favourite song in the previous album so hmmmmm see the link? I sometimes get surprised at the similarities things I like have in common together. Like how the songs I like and never get tired listening to are mostly having happy melodies but the lyrics are sad. AND USUALLY I JUST LISTEN TO A SONG ONCE AND DECIDE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I don't even notice the lyrics. And how ALL my biases happen to be above 180cm or around that height and are Virgos. It's so creepy and weird I can't even comprehend this coincidence. Maybe deep inside i am already computerised in a way to like certain things.

Looking at the time now I should sleep since tmr I'm working at 10am and have to wake up at 8am. I hope I don't fall sick with this crazy sleeping schedule I have. Till then. 

I usually don't post photos cos my phone sucks and taking photos and posting them here is truly a hassle. Maybe some of them will be on Instagram haha. Therefore my posts are like freaking boring.

Anyway nobody really cares. So it's okay.