Concert :D

Concert's finally over!

I can say that I really improved through the course of the whole week. I guess insane practice did help after all. Although there were certain parts I still couldn't play but I could proudly say I tried playing the parts that I actually could play and the concert turned out great after all. Although there were certain glitches here and there as everyone was super nervous but it was still good!! It was so nerve-wrecking playing an instrument I wasn't even confident in front of a crowd but I still did it. I'm kind of glad inside I went for the concert (Cos I wasn't intending to go for this concert initially hahaha but certain circumstances forced me into the concert) 

It felt like ages before when I actually performed in front of a crowd and that feeling still remains as amazing as ever. I'm probably more cut out for performing arts I guess hahaha although UG still was a pretty fun CCA through secondary school. The previous time I could vividly remember standing in front of a crowd was in primary school doing the yearly annual event reports thingy when I was so nervous I pronounced the word kudos wrongly. And how I stood by my own during drama night in sec 1 as the narrator when I had bad memory and I had to use a script plastered to the ground (I couldn't have any script in my hand...) cos the other narrators didn't have a script and I should be like them. Thinking about it, I had more chances the average person did in public speaking so I'm pretty thankful for that. Maybe I'm more stage material (Is it my voice? Is it how I don't appear very nervous?) I don't know but I don't know if people sense the quiver in my voice when I'm actually nervous and speak in public. 

Anyways, it was a rewarding week since I've actually felt it was kind of fun going back to school for CO practice. Although it was VERY awkward at times since I have this antisocial habit that make people think I'm very cocky/ignorant/loner-like but its really not that way ): I've always been socially awkward ): Usually people have to talk to me first because I won't go around chatting with random people... And sometimes my normal face scares away people cos they think I'm like a grumpy asshole. 

Back to my normal holiday routine of working and movie/drama marathon-ing. Whoop can't wait for sleepover hehe.  

LOSER

Today was just pretty bad. Mainly because of results I guess. I kind of expected myself to get horrible results since my results before finals weren't even good to begin with. My GPA dropped like crazy and what can I say. (WHAT A LOSER OMG WHAT A LOSERRRR)
I didn't feel like real sad or anything but I guess I am disappointed with how I fared. I need to try harder. Hopefully trying harder helps because that is the only way I know to maybe enable me to have a chance to pull up my grades. I feel like a loser telling myself if I scored like 3.7 like next semester my GPA would rise like by a lot so I don't have to be sad this time round. Maybe being sad might actually be better since I'll be more motivated. What have I done to myself... I can't even remember the day I stopped caring anymore.

Basically the second half of the day was CCA. I think I lost like maybe 5 years off my lifespan when the conductor wanted to play Pirates of the Carribean and I TOTALLY WAS SUPER UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT SONG. Both Joey and I panicked and we were like having anxiety attacks since there weren't any woodwind people around THAT MEANS WE HAD TO PLAY SOLO. Ahh but luckily everyone came before the conductor threw his baton at us so PHEWWW. So stressed out for concert since I'm kind of foggy with most of the songs since I haven't touched music scores in a long while and I'm still confused with the fingerings. I guess maybe like 50% of the way I'm smoking my way through the song but that is because I really can't blow any shit. Wtf sometimes an enormous sound blasts out and sometimes no sound comes out. Its super frustrating when I actually know the fingerings but I blow and nothing comes out. Sometimes I feel like breaking my instument into half because it is so difficult. I know its something about my posture but I've tried like a hundred different ways and sometimes it works out but sometimes it doesn't. I bet all the percussion people are like this girl seriously. Don't know how to play also come for concert take the credit. But heyyy excuse me how much time did we have to learn the songs and we weren't even planning to go for this concert but later the main comm people not happy then ... ): Sighhh we're having the full run tomorrow so I don't know anymore. People can say whatever they want and as long as I try to blow but no sound comes out I don't care anymore because well I can't do anything right.

?

What is this feeling in the deep pits of my stomach that makes me so uncomfortable.

Why do we live in the lies of sadness when we are actually happy.

Why do we try to hurt ourselves when nothing is actually worth the pain.

Why do we care when it isn't even our business.

So many Whys.
So little answers.

...

Apologies do not come easy.

I think I found the reason why I have so much respect and admiration for you.

-

Back then, we were all young and immature.

We said things before really thinking anything through. 

We might have hurt people we didn't want to hurt. We might not even have the intention or knowledge that our words could cause such emotional scars. 

The dire consequences we had to bear. But who was to blame? It was just us from the beginning. The thoughts we let spill out from our mouths thoughtlessly. 

Nobody was willing to lend a hand.

Thrown away and left to survive on our own. 

No one was on our side.

After all, nobody could gain anything from being on our side.

Reality ripped off its smiling mask and bared its fangs. 

We were forced to survive on our own.

Those that couldn't bear it anymore took their lives.

The rest of us clenched our fists and our hearts turned as hard as our fists.

The passionate blood of youth running through our veins ceased.

We all wore uniforms of black and white.

The world wasn't the same anymore.

17.3.2014

Its been a while :)
 Feeling utterly exhausted the past few days since I've been working HARD. I worked for 4 straight days and technically I feel really out-of-sorts right now but its still early to sleep (12.29am is a time too early to sleep. Yep.) Its great to work since firstly, I get to earn money and secondly, I won't sit around at home and think about useless shit and waste my feelings over nothing, thirdly, when I work, at least I get to meet people and not rot away and lose all communication with the world when I do drama marathons at home. Its more tiring to overthink than work. At least when I'm physically exhausted my insomnia goes away. Plenty of work politics but I guess I'll have to steer away from all the drama.
This week has been pretty eventful even though I can't remember most of it except work or CCA. Still pretty worried for CCA since my dizi does not want to cooperate with me. Tosh came to waraku to eat like 2 days ago. It was really funny how no one working that day knew who he was except the customers who wanted a photo with him. I wanted a photo too but the restaurant was too crowded and I was in a mess since I was running around everywhere. (Actually I'm not sure if I actually wanted a photo with him hahaha since I wasn't that much of a fan.<-- acting="" again="" indecisiveness="" p="" up="">Speaking of coincidences, I've had a lot of coincidences this week. Meeting with people you haven't seen in a while gives you this warm and fuzzy feeling inside. It a nice feeling when memories stored away within are relived again and I get to experience this feeling so special I really cannot find any word to describe. The human mind is amazing. These feelings are merely just chemical reactions within the body but they are so... special.
Well I have to mentally prepare myself for another hectic week. The concert date is getting closer and its like I have loads of things to do. Good Night.

(Frankly this post was supposed to be longer but chrome crashed on me so -_-)

Stuffed Up

Hello hello.
  The past few days hasn't been good since I had a fever and my nose was clogged up. And the weather was totally such a killer. In the afternoon I felt as if I was going to die because my head would just throb and I thought it might explode. I actually went to bathe like 3 times because I couldn't take it. (Not supposed to bath when you have fever but who cares because if I didn't I swear I'd just be nothing but exploded brains.) Well I guess all those showers did help because my fever went away and now I just have my stuffy nose that would get on my nerves when I'm actually deep in thought and suddenly feel like I can't breathe. I wasted 2 whole days being sick and just doing nothing but sleep. Okay maybe I tried doing exercises like static holds and crunches so I'd sweat and get well faster so maybe that helped too. Now I'm down with horrible muscle aches (Esp in my core muscles and breathing hurts sometimes) and my blocked nose isn't helping.
  Gosh one more day to my last 2 papers and I'm nervous as hell. Though one paper is open book but that is what makes it so scary. ITS OPEN BOOK. The marking will be stricter and chances of my A slipping through my fingers are higher. *sobs* My grades aren't doing very well so i'm basically quite screwed and I fall sick too often because there are loads of things bothering me. Haven't exactly started yet for Tort Law so good luck to me.
  Anyways I'm looking forward to the holidays which is in 3 days time hehehe. Loads of things planned especially in March since my CCA's gonna have a concert and there are loads of concert practices. I hope I won't get kicked out of the concert cos I'm too bad at playing since I just started less than a year ago and I still suck. (Well not gonna rant about certain people in CCA since I can't be bothered with such negativity in my life) Also, I need to start to pick up my violin and start playing something and brush up on my rusty skills. I'll have to use my smaller 3/4 sized one since my full sized one is on "loan". Hmmmm... I'm planning on working loads too because I need money to fuel my shopping sprees since I'm going to be absolutely free to do whatever I want during the close to 2 months of holidays. Can you hear the butterflies fluttering in my tummy because I'm so excited (Nervous even.)! (Fancy thinking of holidays when my exams aren't even over.) Oh yes and the sleepover! Haven't done sleepovers in a while so I'm totally excited too. And meetups with friends yayyy (Probably not all since a whole lot of them are super busy with studying for A levels.) Well I can see that my holidays are going to be fruitful and I sure hope my results come out okay.
Back to Criminal Law and reading cases. Pretty frustrated I can't find some cases because I have no LawNet. Sucks to be me because I was too lazy to go to iLaw or the computer labs to search for the cases. I'll just have to rely on trusty google now to search for the cases if I am so luckily able to find them.
(Shucks I still have to make time to watch Emergency Couple because of that Rooftop scene that left me hanging.)