Difficult

I just want to fall asleep before the first streaks of dawn.

Is that so difficult?

I guess so.

What should I do working doesn't tire me out as much anymore.

My phone is being cranky it's skipping songs as it wishes.

My brain feeling cranky.

Cranky everywhere.

Sighpie wish I was there.

Its no fun here.

The year is ending and I'm not excited at all.

For a brief moment

Such a heart pounding experience.

Is this happiness?

Oh the distance.

I don't even know...

I can't even measure...

How I wish I could travel back in time and make my choice again.

How different would I have turned out to be?

But time cannot turn back just for me.

So I shall leave it as that.

As my mind puts that memory on replay.

):

Sigh I guess my upset stomach got too bad. Puking and I just drank like 3 cups of water to refill all that liquid lost. Ughhhhhh I feel horrible ugrhhggtygghju. I need to sleep before I feel nauseous again.

Forever Replay : Christmas Remixes

Omg look at me being gay like listening to Christmas songs cos the past few days I was too busy to actually sit down and listen and get in the Christmas mood.
I'm late but well who cares cos its Christmas right here in my room when I'm listening to Christmas songs. Ughhh not having a good day cos my stomach hasn't been feeling good since morning. (All that whiskey and champagne.) Bad idea to drink really. Not gonna do it soon again though the new year is coming. Probably going to spend the new year lying on the couch at home and sleeping my whole day away. (Sounds like a good plan.)
Today was just full of projects and my brain cells are well exhausted >:( I woke up late and was super late for tort group meeting. Damn it why couldn't I hear my alarm. Everything wasn't really productive cos everyone was basically tired and it wasn't the right time to be serious cos its boxing day haha.

Well I'm so tired now but listening to Christmas hip-hop remixes hahahaha. KHipHop is actually good minus all the vulgarities(sometimes). At least the lyrics are totally relatable.

I have so many projects that are due by the end of January I should really be panicking right now but no cos Christmas songs are going to calm me down and yes they are working although I'm gonna be like OMGOMGOMGOMG tmr but still that is something I should worry about tmr.

Wow goodnight I should sleep now. Sleeping at 3am everyday is really not a good idea. I wonder how my liver is coping with this cos my dark eyerings are telling me that I should sleep earlier. Cross my fingers for good dreams.

CONTROL

SERIOUSLY I NEED TO MAINTAIN MY SPENDINGS.

Okay well today I was spending "on behalf of my friends" cos I had to get Christmas gifts. Pretty proud of myself for getting like 75% of my gifts. But it was all worth it because I would have been a total messed up kid if weren't for these friends. Season of giving and I think I'm quite proud of myself for being so generous with my gifts hahaha (Not self-praising *ahem*)

So far I've received 3 early christmas gifts. Really super thankful because at least I know there are people who still bother to list down my name when getting christmas gifts.

Sighh now I need to chiong 20 plus Christmas cards. I'm not even doing for those people I know its like people I'm actually thankful for :'')

I feel like getting a pen-pal does anyone have any idea on how I can get one? >: My current pen-pal is lame as hell and I need to abandon him because this is not how pen-pals are supposed to be. There is no air of mystery cos I actually know my pen-pal. (Okay, I actually don't think I can classify him as a pen-pal.) I NEED TO SEND OUT MY CHRISTMAS CARDS ALREADY AND I HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. HALP. Can ready-made Christmas Cards drop from the sky please?

I need to go sleep soon because of this $300 promise I made with my mum to sleep before 12.30pm every night... Its 12.23am and I'm wide awake. I'm gonna have to do at least 8 cards tomorrow. I CAN DO THIS.

"행복을 찾아서 한참을 날았어
움츠린 모든 게 웃음질 수 있도록
행복을 찾아서 한참을 참았어
언젠가 모든 게 빛이 날 수 있도록"

Can this just go without a title

It is scary to know that the possibility...


exists.

Our mind is such a complicated thing isn't it.
Looking at the possibilities that things might change.
That things may not turn out right.
It is not hurt we feel but the painful fear of loss that sears at your heart.

Having bad dreams lately. Not exactly the scary type of bad dreams that leave you drenched in cold sweat. Its something far more twisted... I force myself to wake up but I'm too tired to do so. Probably the worst feeling ever. I can't even remember what kind of dreams are they cos I forget in a matter of seconds after I wake up. I just know my heart thumps real quickly after I wake up in an ominous kind of way.

There is a long howl echoing around the house because its raining. I am caught between the thought of liking rainy days and disliking them. The bad thing about when it rains my joints start to hurt. Its the sharp kind of pain and I absolutely hate it. (I sound like an old person, don't I?) The good thing about when it rains I feel calmer and the coolness of the air straightens my mind up and I don't go around blabbering shit like I always do. There are so many things which I can't choose whether to like or dislike because I can't help it. Things such as people. Ahh the complicated human mind.


"어두 컴컴해 보이지 않아
손 뻗었지만 바람만 부딪혀와
왠지 모르게 낯선 이곳
초라함에 익숙해지네
그림자처럼 지내 "

When you live in a world like that, the only way to go on is to depend on yourself.

:D

Secret Santa please get me Infinite's seasons greeting calendar 2013. Its so freaking expensiveeeeee BUT ALL OF THEM LOOK SO GOOD EVEN IF NOBODY BUYS IT FOR ME I WOULD TOTALLY JUST GET ONE FOR MYSELF FOR XMAS D:<
Today I spent so much money I can feel my heart hurting from the sudden loss of so much money goshh.
BUT I'M SO HAPZ I GOT YEN-J'S SIGNATURE. And the movie (The Hobbit 2) was actually kind of good and I give myself a pat on the back for actually understanding it cos I thought I wouldn't.
Its been so long since I've felt as happy as today and I thank everyone that spent today with me :'D School has been so busy and I've been so busy with things I forgot how to rest and unwind.
Looking forward to the rest of the holidays cos I'm going to meet so many of my friends that I haven't seen in a while hehe. I hope I still have time for projects with my hectic schedule for the term break.

*SPAZZ ALERT*
Okay I'VE WARNED YOU.

GAHHHHHHHHH AUTOGRAPHS GAHHHHH YEN-J AND GAHHHHHHH KILI FROM THE HOBBIT.
The whole fansign was actually kind of short ): It was less than an hour cos there wasn't a big turnout for the event maybe because of the rain. It was totally worth it getting wet in the rain even though I was having a massive headache cos I didn't sleep well the night before. I got to shake his hand and his hands seriously too female-like I wish I had hands like him. (Omg being a creep here.) Liyuan took pictures and we were like super jidong throughout the whole fansign. Liyuan tried to take pictures HAHAHA when he looked in our direction but she was so excited her hands were shaking and she took this blur mass of I-have-no-idea-what. My phone was being a total bitch and I couldn't take any pictures or videos WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN IT WAS LIKE THAT AT THE RUNNING MAN FANMEET TOO.

Anyways all this fun and I spent like 100 dollars today. 100 dollars in exchange for this amount of happiness. Totally worth it. But I'll be broke for a while...        

Pieces of today

Finally cut my toenails cos they were hurting like shit. Not a good idea to walk around in heels with long toenails. My little toe feels especially painful and it bled T.T

Today (13/12)  felt so busy. I was rushing around trying to get something to wear for Law Arts Night and I got this Maxi skirt in the end. Sighhh there wasn't any chiffon Maxi skirts so I had to settle with a cotton one. It felt weird wearing the skirt cos I don't have any habit of wearing long skirts.

The performances were really good maybe except like this guy who was beatboxing. I could tell like what he was trying to attempt to beatbox but it just wasn't up to standard. I just couldn't stop laughing at him cos he looked like he really thought he was doing well and he was all like SWAG YO LOOK AT ME BEATBOXING. I was just LOLOLOLOL throughout the whole performance.

Looking forward to tomorrow (Okay technically today) cos of movie date whooooop and hopefully I'll get Yen-J's signature and shake his hand during the fansign. (If I manage to get in.) I need to buy lots of things and I can already hear my money flying away. Need to get all my oreo cookie ball and dessert supplies YAY and christmas presents for everyone.

Its officially 2 more weeks to the end of this year. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS WHILE.

On the other hand I'M HAVING TERM BREAK NOW YAY. More time to work more time to earn $$$ more things I can buy~ Okay its not the money its just that since its the holidays I can finally pause and take a breather from this fast and furious semester. Although I am very clear that I'm gonna be extremely busy this term break cos I have 3 projects that are running... Time flies. Thinking about me being in a different class next year makes me really sad ): I'm socially awkward, it wasn't easy for to make a bunch of awesome friends...
Okay well but at least now I have time to read books and catch up on all those episodes I haven't watched because I was so busy the past few weeks. I shall spend my time wisely and attempt to sleep more and hope and pray my eyebags shrink and my heavy eye rings fade away. #TermBreakResolution

Posting something more light-hearted today cos I'm feeling happy cos no more school till the end of the year~

Friday the 13th

Hello blog and the people of the internet,

I am sinking into depression.
I have no idea how to start off my focus question post.
And I'm extremely troubled over me not having anything to wear for Law Arts Night tmr.
My fickle-mindedness has landed me in this pile of shit.
I always cannot decide on things.
Buying clothes is so difficult cos there are too many choices and I'm too picky.
I need to post 2 posts for my focus question and my perfectionist side is taking over.
I cannot anyhow post some random post because my conscience will bug me forever for being sloppy and what-not.

Somebody save me.

I.MUST.SLEEP.NOW

Hate my sleeping habits.
Damn its close to 3.30am.
Getting less than 5 hours of sleep a day my body just cannot function properly sometimes.

Must be the overdose of coffee.

Torturous Tort

I AM SO DISTRACTED.

AHHHHH AND I KEEP SPENDING MONEY ONLINE COS ITS CHRISTMAS SOON AND EVERYTHING IS CHEAP TO ME SO I BUY THEN MY ACCOUNT BALANCE FALLS AND FALLS AND I HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE I DISLIKE CHECKING MY ACCOUNT BALANCE.

I'm like outside at cbtl now but everything is distracting me. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT THERE IS WIFI HERE. So many things to do D: D: D: Tort law isn't actually hard to study but there are lots of stuff to read. Reading all these makes me feel sleepy and though I'm actually drinking coffee, there isn't an effect on me. Went to buy this cake in a jar thing (Not at CBTL) that everyone is like raving about to try. I just ate it just now and I didn't know there was alcohol in it -.- Basically I'm not drunk but my face is like kind of red now because of all that coffee and (a little) alcohol... I want to hide in a hole.

Tort is so TORTurous I swear. I haven't read the cases yet so LOLOL good luck to me. I'm still going to sleep tonight cos tort is not worth me losing sleep just to study for it. I really don't care about LPB cos basically:
1. SHE LIKE DAMN LAZY PLS
2. PEER TEACHING DIDN'T WORK OUT
3. HER FACE

Okay but to account to myself I should at least study harder so I can pull up my GPA. I'm not doing well because of LPB and her expectations of us getting As. I'm going to do well because I want to pull up my own GPA.

So there, I'm going to sip another sip of my toffee nut ice blend and continue studying~

Peace is something we cannot take for granted.

Such drama in a night. And i thought tonight would just be me being happy and satisfied cos I just ate buffet. Good food. Happiness.

Sigh.
Why do people have to fight. Why choose violence? Frankly speaking, I have no idea why the bus driver hitting down a person can lead to such violence. Man... Such things can happen. Perhaps the bus driver was feeling weary from a long day of driving. Maybe he was rushing home to see his family...
Why?
Accidents happen. I guess it was shock in the beginning. Then, anger. I know the idea of brotherhood is very strong in their culture. Perhaps seeing a fellow brother get hit might have had a really huge impact on them.
I can't make any comments because I don't know the full story. I just hope everyone is alright and the situation improves. Hopefully this riot will be the start and the end of the breakout of violence.
What we can do now is stop the racist remarks directed to the Indians involved in the riots. Not all of them are bad. Some of them were actually trying to stop the riot from becoming more violent, more bloody...
Is it really impossible for total peace?
Reality stings.

It is a painful lesson learnt.

No sleep tonight whoop

Studying feels like all those deer frolicking around in my head.

I look at the amount of things I have to do and myungsoo perfectly depicts how I feel.

I can't do this anymore

Pretty much sums up the whole of today.

Need to study. Its optimal study time now. 1.30am.

Goodbye blogger I'm going to be a good girl and start studying now.

What am I doing its like 2.30am now and I'm not sleeping

Reading my old posts and laughing at the bad english I used to have back then. Well I still have some of it in me now but it isn't that obvious. Omg seriously so embarrassing I swear. I should be glad I sound slightly more intellectual now HAHAHA.

Kind of reluctant to delete them cos they remind me of years ago where life was much simpler. Although there were times of conflict but I guess the scale is definitely different compared to things now.

I would give everything to return to life way back then where all we cared was whether the little bubble tea shop outside the school would be full and there wouldn't be seats for us and what flavor of instant noodles we would have for the day. How we would ride the bus home and talk about happy things and how my friends would make perverted sounds and I would be like O_O and people would turn to stare and they would burst out laughing.

In Sec 3 and Sec 4 life was all about doodling during lesson time and sleeping during 75% of the lessons. Rushing down for recess and hopefully beating the rest at queuing up for food. Studying in school until everything was just dark and creepy. Infinite and 7 awesome turtles we named. Walks around the lake and how I always see that same humongous bird take a dump at the same spot EVERY TIME. CCA and how we would do "punishments" until we were utterly tired and those times where everyone encouraged each other and aimed to go up on stage to receive their O level Certs. Although I didn't achieve it, most of my friends did and I was happy for them.

I'm still kind of glad I turned out pretty fine.

People point fingers and judge

Did that personality test quiz and I'm an INTJ. I read the description then it made my personality seem like a total sarcastic asshole lol. After that I did the quiz again on some other website and got ISTP. Like whuuuuuuttt. I feel like every time I do the test I get a different result.
I've read both and I agree with some points and disagree with some. So basically its really hard to classify me into something. I guess it works that way for most people too. The human mind is too complicated to be classified into a single personality type. There were a few similarities in the personality descriptors. Like how people with these personalities are often mysterious and baffle others. Yeahhh I agree on this point. I'm not exactly very easy to read. People often mistake my normal face as the "death glare" face which is very prominent for INTJ. (Its not an angry face really. I might be feeling awesome that day but I still give that face...) I baffle myself sometimes too. But the part about being executors of plans and great strategists or INTJs. Well no, I can't strategise for nuts. I'm serious. I've played like those games that you need to strategise and I'm usually like heck strategies I'm just gonna do what I want. I guess I can be reckless huh since those games are virtual reality and it probably wouldn't affect me much if I spent all my fortune buying like 1000kg of onion rings.
Wow there are just too many things to contemplate about myself and I can't even understand how I am sometimes. I guess I lean more towards being an INTJ because I control my emotions well. Maybe sometimes even too well. Okay I cry sometimes when watching emotional stuff okay I'm not as unfeeling as people think. But sometimes I feel I'm very unfeeling. Even to the point that I've wondered if I was a sociopath. The judgemental part got me thinking. Everyone judges. It isn't necessarily a bad thing haha but if people judge and distance themselves or dislikes a person based on how they dress/act/talk. I think its pretty unfair. (Wow using the word judge sounds kind of intimidating.) It is really really hard for me to utterly dislike a person through and through. I'd admit. Even though my meanie self takes over sometimes and I say bad things about certain people. I will regret what I said after that. ):

Sighh I don't even know myself sometimes.

Mid semester tests are coming and I haven't really started studying T.T So disappointed with myself sometimes. My motivation is disappearing. I need to find something realistic to work towards. (Pretty sure NUS LAW faculty is not an option.) People just look down on poly grads. Those bloody professors think they're bigshot and say we're not going to make it in University because we are "not cut out" and should be satisfied with a diploma. (Okay this is an assumption & sorry to those professors that don't think like this)

Everyone around me just needs to cheer up. I can give you all free hugs.(Only exclusive to people I actually like and are closer too cos apparently I don't like touching people I don't really know or them touching me cos just NO.) I don't know whether is it because of the Mid Sem Tests that I'm sensing this gloominess... Look at all the emotional posts on twitter. EVERYWHERE. Now I also sad. (Maybe that's because I just watched Love Potent and Yeol and his injured hand and his red glowing ring and his tearful confession was just such a tear-jerker. Watching the OST mv makes me sad already WHY DOES YEOL ACT SO WELL WHY. TELL ME. )

I cannot differentiate being awake or asleep anymore... Studying makes me sleepy. Okay no, I'm sleepy at random times. Not exactly feeling stressed currently. More nervous I guess haha. I need to go running tomorrow so my brain can get extra pumps of blood and I might (hopefully) study better without falling asleep and having ink marks stained on my face.

Beautiful Mistake

Its been such a long while.
It took me by surprise.

I spotted your silhouette.
I spotted that familiar face.
In the hustle and bustle, I was afraid I had long forgotten.

But no.

This pleasant feeling.
I hope it doesn't go away.

WOW TUMBLR HOW DO YOU READ ME SO PERFECTLY

reasons i tend to not talk

• people always interrupt me to tell another story because apparently my story isn’t good enough for their ears
• i sound like an idiot who just learned to talk two hours ago
• people seem disinterested in what i’m saying
• i hate my voice
• i have something really mean to say
• i hate you
• i repeat because this happens a lot: people interrupt me and never let me finish and i feel really shitty about myself because no one seems to want to listen to me

Random shit before I start serious work

My love for pop punk has never ceased.

http://twoblokesandafuckloadofcutlery.tumblr.com/post/37472792308/so-i-accidentally-started-playing-25-different-pop

You brilliant person. You just brightened my world. It was indeed a beautiful mistake.



I want to have a pet to stare at while lying down in this position. Then it yelps happily and runs and lies beside me. My definition of happiness is really simple. Just that. Listening to music lying down in that position. This cold weather is perfect to snuggle with your pet. Cos they're so warm you feel the feeling of warmth engulf your heart and its like it doesn't feel empty and cold anymore.

Sometimes I feel so restrained. Twitter is not a place to rant anymore cos people are just like Eww annoying and *unfollows* Anyway I kind of created twitter in a heated moment now I guess its not the best place to be when there's so much drama going on. Tumblr is always the best place to be.

Gotta start with Microecons. Now its just 50 shades of dark circles under my eyes and a night of pop punk that awaits.

Just a nobody

“It’s not because I have many enemies, I just have no one on my side.”

—	Zico - Dead Leaves Zico, as always the lyrical genius.

Its like sometimes when I'm talking I feel like no one's listening. Sometimes I pause halfway, to see if anyone's really listening. But most times its actually a habit when I pause halfway while saying something. Because I've done it so many times before I don't even realise when I'm doing it. I just fade into the background and cease to exist in the conversation. 

I know its hard to take in some other person's opinion but shouldn't you at least try? I'm not asking you to follow what I suggest. Just at least take it into consideration.Give everyone a chance. The world does not revolve around you and yourself. Basically I'm sick and tired of always giving in that sometimes I just stop giving any suggestions cos basically its a waste of my energy and my time. I tried okay at least I tried but did you try to listen? NO. FUCKING NO.  

At this point of time everyone has some fault and I can't say I'm right all the time. Its really unfair when you are just like WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING AGAINST WHAT I SAY. The point is I'm just trying to point out something that you might have missed out or not considered. Its not nice to drag in your personal feelings I must say. 

I just feel everyone in this world deserves to be treated nicely. Well even though we might have people we do not see eye to eye with, they also should be treated right and not trampled over by your so-called mighty self-confidence. Learn your lesson now before its too late.

I guess what I can do now I just pity you. For living in your own fantastic little world and smashing your way around blindly in reality.

1000th

I'm so surprised this blog has hit 1000 page views. I started the counter maybe earlier this year so I didn't expect it to hit 1000 so quickly. Maybe all those 1000 views were contributed by me or just random people blogwalking.

I think it was a moment of insanity when I posted my blog URL on twitter. Its so open sometimes I feel intimidated like people might read about me and be like Oh this girl trying to seek attention. Frankly speaking I don't really care. As long as your comments don't get to my ears, its fine. Say what you want cos anyway I don't know about it.

I think only the people that bother reading my posts regularly actually do have interest in knowing some things I only post up exclusively in my blog. They're probably judging too. I'm not saying that its bad.

Its only this year that I've started posting like deep stuff because mere words cannot express these emotions suppressed inside. Its been really confusing and sometimes I feel I am losing myself. Many things are happening and I'm forced to take sides. But the thing is, I can't. No matter how everyone is like Eww you just want to get the best of both worlds right. I don't deny this. Everyone is selfish in their own little ways and I can say I am selfish because all I want is unicorns and rainbows and happiness. This is probably why most of the time I'm just kicked to the pavement and left alone because everyone feels I'm not on their side.

30/11/2013

I need to rant.
Terribly hungry but I just brushed my teeth. Sigh so I should drink water and forget I'm hungry.
Today I got scolded by a lot of people. I don't know but it just seems like today it was like that.
LPB scolded me for clarifying my doubts for the conclusion part. She said I totally did not understand what was a conclusion. Well, okay I get it. I really didn't understand what I was doing anyways. She hasn't been the best of help when we needed her to guide us. Currently I'm clueless as to what I have learnt. Read all the tort notes but my brain is still a whitewashed wall. Got scolded by the dishwasher auntie for eating too slow ): Sorry la I stuff all the food in my mouth and like gulp everything down why you still so angry. She totally came out to look at me every 30 seconds or so just to see whether I was done. I took 15 minutes to finish my pork chop and potato salad. Round of applause I think I broke my fastest record of eating.
Sometimes I also don't want to be so slow in doing things and the thing is I don't like being rushed as well. I seriously think I'm not suited to live in Singapore. Well I usually get left behind and this saddens me a lot. Like usually when I pack my bag I have no idea why everyone does it so quickly and leaves and I'm just like what just happened did everyone just leave and left me here. Of course there are exceptions when people wait for me and sometimes like I feel really happy that well at least someone bothered to wait for me. I think I'm weird haha cos weird things make me happy.
At work today I also got scolded by customers cos the food was slow in getting served. Well I'm used to all that already so hahahaha I just go and bother the chefs about the food and ask them to hurry up before the customers flare up. I never knew people could be so petty hahaha sometimes I'm just surprised when customers wait for like 15 minutes and get mad. Well there are loads of different people out there and sometimes thinking about the experiences with a certain few amuse me for a moment. (Not in a sarcastic way.)
But today was generally alright. I guess the happy things outweighed the unhappy things. LPB COMPLIMENTED MY OUTLINE LIKE WHOOP. It was in her terrible handwriting but still WHOOP. I need to laminate it. Hard work yields results :> Thank you Azeera for helping me print and submit to her hehehehehe cos without your help it would have been a late assignment and she would probably rip it in front of my face. And I have no idea whether its a grumpy face or smiley face.

 Listening to Nickelback's "Photograph". Its a great song about memories. Something I treasure a lot. Sometimes when people lose relationships they treasure a lot, its often the memories that are left behind. Its something that even if you wanted to you couldn't erase. Aren't memories beautiful? The memory of once being so happy in the presence of each other. How the littlest of things matter the most. I still remember this primary school friend I had. We took the school bus to school and home together. I still remember this little game she taught me and we always played it on the bus. I even still remember how she looks like. Although I can't really remember her name any more. The memories still stay. Its been a whole 10 years. I wonder if she still remembers me? I still remember the people that used to bully me in primary school. Those weren't good memories at all but I still remember. How I would get my wallet thrown in the drain. How they would tease me about my surname. How they would kick plastic bottles at me. I had to spend my time in this dark corridor which all the CCA rooms were in my primary school everyday during recess just to avoid them.
I'm a person that gets easily forgotten so I don't expect a lot from people. I don't expect them to remember me, or even acknowledge that I was once part of their lives. But I just am glad that all these memories still exist, at least for myself. I guess the earlier part of my life was kind of dark and maybe sad and sometimes I dislike talking about it cos I might tear up. Maybe that's why I feel so socially awkward sometimes.

Tasty

Its a music video today cos I'm gonna sleep. :>
Its been a busy week and my tests are coming soon sighhhhh.
Went to NTUC and bought loads of stuff today cos I just felt like spending money.
School was pretty routine.
I need to start on revisions soon.
Yay Saturday I can get my laptop case and probably another tuner.
Shopping till I drop.

Seriously considering buying a ukulele. Then my "soon to buy" tuner will come into perfect use cos now I can tune my violin, flute and possibly future ukulele :DD

WOAH WHATTTTTTT

Lets applaud Misunderstandings.

Wow. Great Job.

Thanks for ruining everyone's life.

Thanks for ruining friendships.

Such achievement.

Lets just carry on living our little pathetic lives where misunderstandings leech on our unhappiness and grow into something bigger.

This is a huge transition. The world now is just full of sad people I'm afraid I'm starting to become like that too. I haven't seen someone truly happy in ages. Maybe I just need to get back to doing social work again. I don't get why people just start conflict and tension and carry on with it. Isn't it tiring? 

Reality is cruel. Perhaps this is why there is so much unhappiness. 

I know it is hard to accept things when people tell you what they feel or basically their comments on certain events. But its all something we all have to deal with whether it is in the past, present or future. We just have to see things in a positive light and don't take others to be dissing/blaming/accusing you. In fact, sometimes we say things we don't mean. I do that pretty often. Its becoming a bad habit. Words are suppposed to carry meanings but sometimes empty words spew out of my mouth. My brain just goes standby and I keep saying the wrong things and empty words just spew out of my mouth. What have I become...

Things are pretty rocky in school. I'm trying my best so that everyone can remain happy at least until the end of the semester. Even though some people cannot comprehend why I do certain things, I always have a reason. I hope everyone can understand );

Hoarding this project room and I feel bad ): Originally it was for my tort group meeting. However its really nice though. Somewhere nice where I can get away from everyone.

HEYY SOME IDIOT JUST WENT TO TURN OFF AND ON THE LIGHT AGAIN.

WHAT IS THIS THIS IS JUST WEIRD I'M GETTING GOOSEBUMPS.

OKAY BYE I'M OUT OF HERE.

Late nights are worth it now

I am so relieved.

That moment of courage I am super thankful for.

It saved me.

I think we just needed some time to clear up our thoughts.

Staying up till this late and calling you up wasn't in vain.

Its finally back to before.

Not exactly the same but at least I've managed to pick up bits and pieces and mend it back.

One down, a few more to go.

It's gonna be tough.

Microecons lecture never fails to lull me to sleep. I should listen attentively already ): Midsemstest are approaching. So many things are going on I feel like I should just go hibernate in a hole and forget all of this.

Today

It's cold and rainy everywhere just hurts ESP my ankle.

I lack sleep.

I need coffee

Detachment

It's that type of detachment.

Being involved in your own world.

Too busy to think about anything else.

Everything and everyone doesn't matter anymore.

In this world you find happiness.

Happy 3 weeks old.

I've been sick for 3 weeks.
There's still phlegm in my throat.
AND THE RANDOM COUGHING FITS.
THOSE ARE THE WORSE.
Its probably gonna last for another week.

I hope you germs go to hell.

To the beyond

Sorry exotics but just 5 seconds of infinite just bouncing their heads and Myungsoo and Sungyeol just staring in the distance like models okay so goodbye exo not interested in the song anymore more interested in replaying 11:32 to 11:37 again and again.



All my myungyeol feels. Okay and when hoya was on the screen the screaming just became louder and that was not cos of anything else okay it was cos ermagawd his smile.

So proud of Infinite~ they are the only artistes that won for 2 categories. Dongwoo must be extremely happy hahaha it probably is the best birthday gift out of everything he received. They won for Best Male Artist too. Its been a long time since an artist other than groups produced by the Top 3 entertainment companies had won. IT WAS A RIGHT CHOICE. VOTING FOR INFINITE. INSPIRITS THANK U :D

Its a pity I didn't have the chance to watch the live performance cos I was working D: Its okay cos I'm gonna hope some nice hearted soul uploads it online and I hope I have 6 hours to spare watching it.

*Drags myself out of fangirl state*

Well this week has been awful cos I haven't had enough sleep. 5 hours and less sleep a day is not the way to live. Today I was so shocked cos before Tort lesson started I was seeing black dots and that was the sign I was going to faint. So I quickly sat down and laid on the table and cold sweat was just like making me feel worse. What a close shave :O Its been such a hectic week and its weird cos my heart just accelerates suddenly for no apparent reason. I guess its cos I'm kind of paranoid. I feel like I'm going to fail the mid semester tests. Lots of awful problems ):

Even my blogpost sounds so weird to me now. Its like a different writing style compared to my usual.
Well I better go sleep cos tomorrow is work day again. I need a replacement on Sunday but no one seems to be free. Sighpie ~

Once in a while

It feels like I don't know you any more.
Everyone has changed.
Have I ... changed?
I really don't know anymore.

The white washed walls.
I keep walking into the tunnel.
The warmth.
Its beckoning me.
Something awaits at the end.

Heartlessly.
The string is cut.
I try to mend it.
But its too tangled with the others.

The passage of time may fade memories.
But they never truly disappear.
A mere whisper brings out the memories so carefully concealed.
Even those memories I never wanted to recall.
That I wanted to hide inside this heavily guarded closet.

I'm tired.
So worn out.
Sleep doesn't help anymore.
We should be careful of the world we enter when sleep takes over.
Harmless it may seem but so very dangerous.
Every night its a battle.
Every morning the battle is won.
Many injuries, scars, deaths.
Countless.

My brain is blacking out. Its been such a tiring week. Haven't slept proper in such a long time. I need my long bedtime conversations ): This workload is a total obstacle. Everyone is so busy I guess nobody really stops for a break.

This tinge of sadness I cannot decipher. The words that linger but I still cannot understand. Can I just pretend I didn't hear anything? Can we just go back to before? Please?

I'm sorry.
_________________________________________________________________
Well I have no idea is it this aura I have or what. Do I seem hostile? Maybe I do seem like it because I don't know how to pull off forced words of exchange. I need enlightenment on how I should continue on.
Avoidance. It happens. But why?

Run

It’s pitch dark.
The world moves on too fast.
I’m the only one who’s limping on both legs.
The path I must walk is endless.
What’s at the end of this path?
Are you going there knowing about it?
Will I learn the answers if I go there with my eyes closed?
The sky that never responds to a such question.
The two arms tied up by a daily life is too heavy to embrace dreams.
I’m scared, I’ve been abandoned locked away.
Just for today run somewhere like you’re crazy.

Don't mind me.

How could you even say that. Being in this really sick condition, I had to go see a doctor right? I'm not even using your money because I know if I claim money from you, you would be even more burdened. Saying that I went to see the doctor just to get an mc off work today. Implying that I didn't even need to see a doctor? After 3 days of sleepless nights, do you not see the heavy eye circles under my eyes or sense the exhaust in my voice. Haven't you heard me coughing practically every single minute. I want to hold back the cough, because I don't want to annoy anyone with this constant coughing. But do you think it's so easy? Sometimes I have coughing fits until tears roll out my eyes and I start to gag. 

Do you even know why I still work? Having money in my account keeps me at ease, times like this at least I can pay for myself and I can save the trouble of asking you. Sometimes working and coming home to darkness and all of you are tucked in bed, I feel more at ease this way. At least I don't have to hear this nagging. Sometimes I don't even think its nagging anymore. It's something worse. Something that just fills my head up with bad thoughts. Those bad thoughts that I keep trying to get rid of. 

Blaming me for something I never did. It's not the first time anyway. Just because I wasn't the very best child when I was young means everything is my fault. I fought hard to make you proud. I studied hard. But did I ever get any recognition? I guess not. After all I'm supposed to do it. Its my responsibility. Now I know better. Looking at the past, everything I did was for myself. I live for myself, not for anyone else.

 I still remember kneeling on the floor for four straight hours in "repentance" for something I hadn't done. Nobody pitied me, I just pitied myself, for being at a total loss for words when you slammed the blame on me. No evidence, nothing. Assumptions. Sometimes I question the reason for my existence. To be your punching bag? I guess so.

Nobody really cares. Feelings? I wish I could throw them away.

Rant of the day

Why do I get sick so easily ): always get sick for super long periods of time and it sucks. I can't get enough sleep and my neck hurts cos I have to sit vertically and sleep. When I go to school then I cough like shit and I feel super bad cos the people around me like can get sick and deal with all these I'm feeling. Wah seriously and then there's like so much plemgh in me like I don't even need to eat and I feel full. Sounds kind of gross but it's like I'm puking out loads of plemgh, my throat feels like its on fire and there are streaks of blood in the plemgh I'm coughing out. Well I guess nobody does care when I cough out streaks of blood cos it's after all, common flu and I can't die from it. Or can I? 

Feeling super lethargic every single day. Somedays I sleep a lot and I feel more lethargic than ever. It doesn't even help okay. Sleeping more does not make you more awake. Coffee does. And that's my rationale for sleeping less than the stipulated 8 hours a day. Basically because I have loads of work to do and procrastinate a lot. I can't even not procrastinate. This is very bad. Maybe I need to get therapy ): 

Thus far, it has been a very stressed semester. The past 4 weeks I don't even know what I'm doing. Even though problem based learning has been drilled into my head. I still kind of think it's useless cos we need to get the concepts right after we apply it right? Furthermore if we do PBL I have no idea why the teachers are even there like they just facilitate you like wtf whenever I ask something you just ask me back the same thing like then what's the point of me asking you. Then the criminal law tutor it's like wtf are you teaching and I don't even know when she is in school cos she's an adjunct tutor. Its not that I have issues with adjunct tutors it's just that they are really hard to get into contact with sometimes. Everyone is telling me PBL is useful but frankly I've got to see. I know that if your concepts are strong and stuff you can go through all that learning and applying of concepts but the problem is I suck at stuff like this and need lectures and someone to drill it into my head. Maybe I'm just not using my resources wisely but I'm just not that type of person to keep asking questions cos I don't like troubling others even though I don't mind people asking me.

I think the reason for me getting sick is cos of all this stress. My immunity is already like kind of bad and wow this year I've gotten really sick for really long and even like to the extent of visiting the hospital even the people around me are like meh. It's kind of sad people just classify you as the one that always gets sick and it isn't even something I can control.

People are asking me to stop working but my answer is still no cos working allows me to temporarily forget I have all these piles of work waiting for me to read. It's like a hobby. Wow I think now people think I'm weird but I work to forget I actually have to read this 100plus pages of tort law and apply it to problems like woah that's a lot to do. Not to mention I have to review like 10cases for my criminal law tutorial and put in a PowerPoint so everyone can understand and being in the last group all the expectations are set up there and I can't fall below expectations because look at your peers they all did such a great job and you have to be like them. 

I really dislike this aspect of people when they keep feeling inferior. Well how do I explain this... It's like for example they feel they are always worse off than others then try to gain sympathy(?) frankly I don't really know why they do it. Everyone one is worse off in a way compared to others. Like a rich person is obviously better off wealth wise but is this rich person as happy as a poor person? All of us balance off each other some way or another. This is why we need to help each other. There is no point arguing about why my life is worse off than you because we are different in ways and the pain we feel inside is different. After all the pain is only something we ourselves can feel and others can't so there is no point in comparing. This is so complicated I really don't know how to explain it without offending people. I don't understand why people like look at you and say woah your life is so much better off than mine when in fact if you look at me in depth i am actually not such a perfect person so please don't underestimate the troubles and turmoils i am experiencing. I've had numerous traumatising experiences since young of being like lost and left alone and sometimes injured to the extent that I can't remember some of those memories but when I go to a certain place I suddenly remember and actually I feel very dreadful inside. Being sick so often also makes me very dreadful of people coughing on me and I hope people don't misunderstand my intentions when I react in certain ways because I have circumstances like I have a weak immune system and really dislike being sick because dying of sickness is something I really dislike even to the extent hate cos of certain reasons. It may be a little extreme of me describing things this way but it's human nature so yeah that explains it. This is why I hope people can be more confident of themselves and compare themselves in a positive light and not belittle themselves. Perhaps like that we would be more happy individuals.

Blogging is like writing a diary it really just organises what you feel and vents all that frustration since I don't really like venting to others. Woah after this I should really start on work. Feeling motivated to do stuff today. I can feel the fever coming so I should get work done quickly before the fever affects my concentration. Struggling but I can do this. 👌💪 Gonna skip dinner cos this flu just destroyed all my appetite.

Click the off switch to feelings please and thank you.

So done with people seriously.

Ignorance.

The media is brainwashing us.

We are all just brainwashed to act in a certain way.

Like how we were brainwashed to walk from young.

Walking is normal.

Walking is human.

But has anyone questioned that if we crawled, would we still be "human"?

Sociology is a nice CDS. I really like it. Maybe lectures at 9am are worth it. I don't even fall asleep when I'm like at the lecture sitting alone. Questioning why we behave in a certain manner. It's interesting. Humanities and social science are my thing I guess. Anyways law is still okay cos at least I like it too.

Korean music wave got cancelled. Thank god infinite is on their world tour and cannot participate. I've seen articles. Rage. Chaos. But I'm thankful for being a bystander and not embroiled in this fight. I have no say in who was right or wrong but I believe both parties had some fault. This dark side of the entertainment industry. It's all money isn't it. This society. It's scary really. I'm starting to think money is everything. I shouldn't be like this. I'm afraid to be dragged into the society that thinks working hard and earning money is life. I want to escape the clutches and live out my life in peace. Too much stress. Even my white hairs are growing out. We shouldn't be enduring so much stress. Maybe that is why so many people smoke. To temporarily fog out their troubles and stress.

My mind is heavy with many thoughts. My body is sick of enduring this fatigue I guess it decided to rebel by making me this ill. I hate sickness I hate all sicknesses. Who are you to take away a life without consent. What power do you hold to make a person go through so much torture. For the people around them to suffer so much heartache. 

Why isn't the world all rainbows and happy people and unicorns. 

Another thing. Not too pleased with Woolim merging with SM. Not hating on any of their artists but just hating on the way they deal with things. Its all money isn't it. AGAIN. The artists are the ones that put in the blood, tears and effort. Even their most treasured years where they should be spending having fun are gone. How is anyone going to make it up to them? All of them are the chess pieces of a bloody game. Where plastic surgery reigns supreme and fame determines status. The poor fans. People getting caught in this bloody game. Some fans contribute to the bloodshed with all that hate towards certain idols idek for what reason. Some fans shed bloods for their idols defending their oppas/noonas/unnies/hyungs with all the power they have. On the brighter side, fans do gain lots of things. Music prevented a lot of suicide cases tbh. When you feel like you cannot pull through anymore and just want to end everything. The thought that someone exists out there that you want to meet so badly and pour your troubles to is out there. The joy in seeing those photos on your tumblr dashboard and knowing that there are people out there that feel the similar joy you feel. Only fans would understand. 

Okay maybe I sound like a crazy fangirl here. But well it's true to a certain extent. But my character is more calm and I don't experience very strong emotions unless in extreme cases. It's just numb deep inside and man I don't know why either.

Well I should sleep now or maybe cough to death before my mum rages again at how I can't wake up tmr. (I don't want to wake up at all and face school.) Perhaps I wouldn't get any sleep at all. As always. I hope everyone sleeps well. Goodnight.

I need to get rid of this noise

It's chaos here.

So much noise.

My mind just drifts off elsewhere.

When will this go away...

Sorry

Walking on that gravel path. Feeling the crunch of little pebbles under your feet. 

My mind runs astray. Over thinking? I sure hope it was that way.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Laughing silently to myself. How could I? How could YOU?

Vision blurs. 

I stop in my tracks.

When will this tireless journey end? 

Weary. Tireless.

Fists balled. Teeth clenched. Throat tightens.

A waterfall.

Now I know. 

Everything was pointless.

All everyone thinks of is themselves.

Because ultimately.

You walk along this path alone.

The ones at loss are the ones that care more for others than themselves.

꿈 처럼 오널

Today was such a mind blowing day.

The special highlight would be running man's fan meet. So touched jihyo came like seriously she is so so busy and she came. Monday couple seriously the best 👍. I saw Gary and HaHa up close like OMG SPAZZING SPAZZING KYAAAAA OMYGAWD. My seat wasn't the best but oh wells at least I went right hehehehehe. Thank god I ran up to the front during their finale songs and got a super close look at the members! It was just like the perfect mosh pit experience except that I didn't touch them hahaha (saving it for infinite) I'm gonna write something more detailed and put it on tumblr so fans that didn't go could at least have a glimpse of what happened. I should do my part for the fan society after so many awesome fan cams. 

Yep so basically there were games, singing stages and as usual, talks. The usual questions were asked like whether they like it here and about chilli crab lol. Monday couple were asked about how they thought of Singapore male/female fans and basically I think they threw out all the English words they knew like sexy and nice lol. Well jihyo said there are a lot of nice guys hahahaha. Anyway in her eyes only Gary is attractive so... *shrugs shoulders* 

Moving on, I was so super surprised at jongkook's English. He was like super fluent and it seemed like he didn't need a translator which is totally wowwwwwww. Ji suk jin was super funny which was totally unexpected hahaha he sang during random times like when Psy's Gentlemen was playing he sang the mother father gentleman part and Jihyo joined in too. While they were playing this game where the fans had to shake post its off their body and the fan with the least post its stuck on them wins. Yaknow and the fan on jongkook's team won. While they were counting the posits they broke into this trot like singing style and sang the numbers out. It was super amusing at that time I wished I recorded it down >: all those lucky fans that got on stage got autographs and Polaroids I super jelly can. 

Speaking of which today was Infinite's OGS in Malaysia. Lucky Malaysian inspirits... ): Yeol was like totally hot as always and I regret like not going. T.T like today during the running man fan meet there were people that came alone and I envy their courage. It was kind of funny cos there was this auntie beside me that was like a stone when all of us were spazzing like shit. She kind of joined in and kind of looked uninterested lol. Maybe she was shy idk. But nvm I don't judge hahaha you can spazz like a fan girl and well I think it's super cool and brave that she came alone without anyone. There was this other girl Hillary and I met too and she was super nice. She came alone too hahaha. She nicely took care of our bags when Hillary and I ran to the front of the stage though I knew she really wanted to go up there with us too. Thank you :D it is so heartwarming to meet such nice people. 

Today my favourite stage has got to be Monday couple's stage. Gary was totally awesome omg all that was missing would be Gil to fill in the singing parts. Jihyo rapped a little and it was so mind blowing I am serious their chemistry on stage is really good. Leessang has got to come for a concert I WILL DEFINITELY GO. Leessang songs have this hip hop feeling which gives me the same feeling as blockb. It makes me feel fuzzy hahaha and makes me happy lol. Although it would be nice if jihyo sang the woman who can't break up, man who can't leave with Gary. That is totally their theme song. I think they couldn't sing that tgt cos jihyo can't hit the high notes haha. She's an actress for a reason. TOO MANY MONDAY COUPLE MOMENTS LIKE GARY GOING FOR A FULL HEAD ON KISS AND JIHYO PUSHING HIM AWAY AND HER FACE TURNING RED. OVERWHELMING FEELS.

Well I'm still suffering the after effects of being mind blown. This would be an extremely unforgettable experience. I truly realised my proficiency in korean today hahahaha the things they say I could understand maybe like 70% so whoopee I'm on my way to meeting Infinite in Korea. Now what I'm missing is my plane ticket to Korea and fanmeet tickets. Transforming into a hardcore fan in progress hahahaha. 

Saw lots of fans crying at the fanmeet lol and I was like okayyyy whut. Seriously if I was up on stage in the shoes of the running man cast I would be creeped out by how some fans would cry over just hearing my voice. Being a fan has its ups and downs I would say. Without us fans there would be no idol and without idols there wouldn't be us. It's a interdependent relationship going on there so we have to be thankful of one another's existence. I think it was cos there were too much feels going on only tears could express them.

Being there today was such a miracle. I am thankful for that.

Confessions of a clumsyholic

Wahhhh seriously whyyyyyyyyy. I fell yesterday from tripping over the wheel of a god damned pram. My phone happened to be in my pocket and the impact from the fall gave me a freaking big bruise on my thigh. It's so painful like when I even lightly brush over something it hurts. I sit down and it hurt and even standing or walking it hurts. And I got like scratches on my knee and elbow. And this abrasion I got on my hip cos of my shorts. So now I officially hate prams. And Half of my body hurts like shit it's like those muscle aches you get after doing pumpings ): 

Happened to work today also in my painful state. My eyes were just swollen cos I couldn't sleep well from the horrible pain then like the 忍痛ing totally seeped out my energy. Just nice I was also kept until 11pm ughhhhh. It's always when I feel so energetic and wanna work till 11pm that I get let off early then when I feel so tired I could pass out I get kept till the end. Today while cleaning the tables I also kept brushing against my bruise and it was so cringe worthy I was like OH GOD OUCH THIS BRUISE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT inside then my face was just like >~< and my energy drained out by 10% Oh well I blame myself for being so blind and clumsy. 

Tomorrow is going to be nice. I got running man fan meet tickets! It was totally earned by lots of hard work -- 4 full days of working, waking up at 8 in the morning, endless refreshing of pages to check ticket availability. 

짠! The tickets!

Well this is to comfort myself for not being able to go for Infinite's concert. And happens that they're gonna have their concert in Malaysia tomorrow. And likely the same time as the fan meet. 

I regret things for a pretty long time. Hopefully tomorrow is going to be exciting enough for another blogpost!

Things I think about when I can't sleep

Why do some songs just make you feel so many emotions.

Too much feels.

Is it because we unknowingly link a certain song to certain memories or people. And every time we hear that particular song certain memories concealed within are revealed and you think of certain people.

If I relate you to a song, you must be really important person. Really. Because you matter enough for me to remember you when I listen to a song. And if I link you to a song I really like. A round of applause. You deserve it.

Recently Request by infinite has been making me feel this tinge of sadness and disappointment. But I like the song. Seriously sometimes I think I'm such a weird person. The lyrics of the song are sad but it's upbeat. No joke. I really like such songs and NEVER get sick of them.

Just sound. And they convey so much emotion. 

Can sound waves really control our emotions or Is it just the chemicals reacting in our body making us feel these supposed "emotions". Okay maybe this is getting too deep. 

Sleep is now. 5hours of sleep. This is really driving me crazy.

-random-

For my CDS, I GOT SOCIOLOGY! It's like my first choice yippeeee. But then again no one seems to be in the same CDS as me ): so it's loner time. How am I gonna survive through my CDS projects if I were to have any projects.

And the home button on my iPad is pissing the hell out of me. It seriously has detection problems when I press on it...

Things I do when I'm bored

1. Stalk people HAHAHA. I guess I'm pretty good at this sport (IT IS A SPORT.) Stalking is never easy but with social media and the Internet, the art of stalking has evolved. Well but sometimes it's annoying when people private their profiles hahahaha I have that feeling like they have something to hide. You're on the Internet already seriously what's there to hide. YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE INTERNET. Okay but main point is to be careful especially on Instagram. Yes. Lesson learnt.

2. Blog. Be it blogging here or on tumblr. Blogging is like my life. My second diary. My other self. Its been that way since 2008. I started blogging out of curiosity but basically now it has become an awesome tool for me to unwind cos talking shit and typing out weird stuff really helps. And I know HTML! Isn't that amazing haha. It is to me. I changed the layout of my blog all by myself so it's not like credited to anyone. Tumblr is also wonderful. All those people making gifs. Bless you.

3. Eat. My mouth cannot stop munching when I'm bored. I have so much snacks just at the tip of my fingers or like a few footsteps away in the fridge. All those calories T.T I guess I need to resume my routine of running at the park. I feel so unhealthy now that I've been working most of the time, sleeping late, and munching non stop on midnight snacks all because of my working hours ): 

4. Watch videos. I cannot count how many dramas I've watched already lol. The whole 2 months I think half the time I've spent watching dramas. It's like after I finish a drama my life holds no more meaning anymore lol and I search for more things to live for. 

I miss school. ): 2 months of not stepping into school and I'm feeling school sick. There's seriously something wrong with me. Believe it or not I wanna start on my new subjects. I can't get used to it like not studying or doing any homework or school related stuff during the holidays. Chungcheng has trained me totally in being self disciplined enough to chiong and finish my homework before the first day of school. Now that I don't receive any news from the school, I feel weird. Maybe it's just that I'm not happy with my gpa so I need to work harder the next semester. School please start quickly before I lose my motivation.

Today was pretty fun. Went out with my super bestie, liyuan HAHAHA. Went to the river safari which was FREAKING FAR I SWEAR. Then next was Orchard. We discovered cineleisure and scape LIKE FINALLY OMG SO HAPZ. Looking for scape since like forever. Took loads of photos so I'm maybe gonna upload them when I transfer them over to this iPad! Working tmr so sian. But for money... For my airplane ticket... For my studies overseas... I CAN DO THIS. #leggo

Is this fate or what

My fan blog for Infinite turns 3 today. Just on the day of their concert here. Is this fate or what?

Which pretty much reminds me how long I've been a fan of them for. 

I have to be there at their next concert. I've decided.

DDAY

Well I've been talking and thinking about today for a pretty long time. Thinking and thinking...

INFINITE'S OGS IN SINGAPORE.

I really regret not grabbing the chance ): but circumstances have led to this. Although I'm really really thankful to huekyee and kailing who were there with me to buy merchandise and queue in the hot flaming sun. ( Now I have slight sunburn D; ) Currently while I'm composing this post, there are people that I fully truly envy being there and cheering and supporting infinite. I am glad for that and I believe I will have a chance to do so too in future. It's just that currently I'm busy with work and stuff and maybe if I earn lots of money from part timing the next concert wouldn't be too hard to go for. I will just go for it myself if no one else wants to go with me. I cannot afford missing another chance again~

Well I hope they have a great time here with all the Inspirits at the concert!

Today actually wasn't too bad. I took time off from work to go and buy merchandise. And huekyee and kailing thankfully came along with me! Although the hoodie I wanted sold out but I just quickly chose other items because at that moment the merchandise was just to cover up for the experience at the concert if I actually bought the tickets. I spent much less than I actually thought I would.

After that we decided to go for this mummy exhibition at the art science museum (Mummy: Secrets of the Tomb) which was like super exciting and cool. I love museums seriously why are museums so interesting. I was so excited hahahaha because finally I got to go for the exhibition which I had been eyeing for so long and then everyone I asked didn't want to go. I guess they don't understand the curiosity and thirst for knowledge museum goers enjoy. 

For like 13 dollars, I amused myself for 2 whole hours and it was totally worth it. Got gong cha after that and as usual it was really sweet ): sigh what's wrong with me why do I find stuff too sweet easily nowadays. 

In conclusion, today was really well spent and I was glad at least I got to be at the stadium to feel the atmosphere and get my merchandise. I am still kind of sad I can't go though. *Sobs in a corner*

A short one

Oh dear my poor knees feel like they're all shattered and cracked up inside ): standing for too long not good for knees... And all those snacks I've been munching on all day long during work. I'm gonna gain lots of weight which means I need to go running. ._.

Well it's tough removing nail polish. Got all that colour off my nails haha cos all of them were chipping off cos I slam the cashiering drawer on my fingers and lots of other accidents happen. Careless can totally be my last name. My poor fingers are bruised and bloody from cuts and bruises.

HAIIIIYOOOOO SPENDING MORE AND MORE MONEY LEY THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WORK AT SALES. 

Better start working at waraku soon since I got a pay rise hehehe!

Just a complaint

Recently my friends have been referring me to as a mother in the group. I don't really like it ): furthermore I'm like the youngest few among everyone. Maybe it's not the age but more of the level of maturity and personality. But frankly speaking I don't like it... I'm not deserving of such a title. I've tried showing dissatisfaction but then it doesn't work. Why does it never work... (Which reminds me of very similar occurrences which left quite some scars on everyone's hearts.) I really hope things don't ever turn out that way. 

I've thought of putting it across blatantly but that might be hurting since that term was given out of fondness which I really appreciate.

Maybe cos I wanna be a better person. After all I wasn't that good of a character in my younger years... I tried changing my thinking and that really helped. Everyone should try to improve and develop  into a better person. I try to influence people into thinking positively and trying my best to give them good opinion. Okay maybe that is how I feel but I shouldn't impose my thinking on others... 

Sigh.

Listening to emotional songs to make me sleepy. I need to sleep soon cos it's close to 3am. 

I feel like nobody cares

Basic outline of the day is just work. Seriously my kneecaps hurt like shit after standing for hours straight for so many days. Although I'm just standing there and slacking around and money just kachinks by the hour, it's really physically exhausting... not to mention boring. I don't have data connection and so I can't even check whatsapp and talk shit with anyone just to pass those gruesome hours. First 4 hours I was asked by the manager to count the human traffic. WORST 4 HOURS OMG I ALMOST DIED OF BOREDOM. Just stood there and talked to the security uncle for super long to pass time. Confirm cannot meet sales target at the rate of the crowd coming in. There were loads of curious Chinese tourists from china that kept going inside and outside then I was like super confused and the children kept walking in and out Ughhh. After that thankfully I got put back into cashiering and it was still pathetic thinking about how many customers I served. 

Feeling so troubled now and I don't even know why. Maybe I just need to sort out my thoughts. Feeling kind of depressed nobody has the time or wants to go with me to get infinite merchandise. I seriously super sad la everyday I like loner like that birthday that day my mum forget about my dinner time then I had to eat alone. Okay it's like a permanant scar on my heart I will remember it forever. *sad music plays*

Did some random stalking on Facebook and twitter just now. Then I realised how much people I once knew very well all had their lives in order in stuff and that just got me thinking. What was I doing with my life? I was living without any specific aim. It's not like my life is falling apart and things are going against my favour but personally I feel that being stuck in the middle sucks even more. My whole life I have been like that. Neither here nor there. Failing to meet the mark EVERY SINGLE TIME by just that little bit. At least if my life was falling apart my aim would be to fix it. But being neither here nor there no matter how much effort I put in.... Is my life a fucking joke or something. Thinking about it I don't know what emotions I should be experiencing.Or am I just totally lacking in emotion. Totally at a loss of words at how my life is being joked with. 

Been putting Block B's Be the light on replay nowadays. I just have this emotional connection with the song somehow. The lyrics relate to me. I cannot literally describe it but it's just this feeling I have about the song that makes me like it so much. And how zico is the one that is SINGING my favourite part like omggg everyone was spazzing over how he sings but he sang in Movie's over too and that was my favourite song in the previous album so hmmmmm see the link? I sometimes get surprised at the similarities things I like have in common together. Like how the songs I like and never get tired listening to are mostly having happy melodies but the lyrics are sad. AND USUALLY I JUST LISTEN TO A SONG ONCE AND DECIDE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I don't even notice the lyrics. And how ALL my biases happen to be above 180cm or around that height and are Virgos. It's so creepy and weird I can't even comprehend this coincidence. Maybe deep inside i am already computerised in a way to like certain things.

Looking at the time now I should sleep since tmr I'm working at 10am and have to wake up at 8am. I hope I don't fall sick with this crazy sleeping schedule I have. Till then. 

I usually don't post photos cos my phone sucks and taking photos and posting them here is truly a hassle. Maybe some of them will be on Instagram haha. Therefore my posts are like freaking boring.

Anyway nobody really cares. So it's okay.

Happy birthday to me!

*sings* Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday happy birthday. Happy birthday to me. *sings*

Now That sounded so forever alone HAHAHA. But who cares. Today my birthday YAYYYYYYYYYYYY. OK SHIT WHAT  DO I SAY NOW I AIN'T PREPARED ANY BIRTHDAY SPEECH. 

Okay never mind hahahaha this is so gay I just congratulated myself on being one year older and one year wiser. (I think) just now my phone was just bombarded with messages it just kept vibrating and vibrating for like 10 minutes after 12. And it was just awkward when the first to wish me was my manager lol and it was on the work whatsapp grp then so formal still use my full name. Then after that sooooo many more just kept coming. Okay but I abit disappointed cos still got more I expected to wish earlier didn't wish at all ): I shall take it that they're sleeping. 

This year isn't that special cos I'm working and all just to get money so I can study overseas and buy things I like so I wanna earn a lot of money although part time like not a lot of money to earn... So today I'll be working and hopefully birthday luck gives me loads more of pwp so I can earn more hehe. So far I received a few gifts already and they're realllly pretty so thank you to those that sent me or personally handed their presents THANK YOU!! Receiving parcels from overseas so exciting hahaha especially when I open the parcel and see all that bubble wrap stuffed inside. 

Okay so I shall end this hehe. 

🎉🎈🎁🎂🍰

Sometimes I laugh sarcastically at how I've turned out to be.

Sometimes we just forget the reasons why we started out doing something in the first place.

Disliking people. It works that way too. After a while you start to realise that you don't dislike them anymore but it was more of you being used to it. Habits are hard to change. They stay there for a pretty long time. You don't notice them but they exist. 

I feel like I've lost sight of what I really want to do. I'm not putting enough effort in achieving things I really want for myself. I keep living in the constant stage of regret then forgetting that I ever made that mistake and encountered that setback. That really sucks because I'm not moving on whereas everyone around is just moving on, accepting what they have done wrong and improving themselves. Motivation isn't easy either. It's just that sudden boost of determination and after that I just forget. Just like how sugar rushes work. A moment of hyper ness and happiness and then poof it's just over. If only... Such moments of motivation can last longer. My whole life maybe. Then I'll turn out to be a better person. A person that actually achieves something and is proud of it. Not a pathetic person that lives in all that denial like no I did well it was other factors that caused this failure. No no it was never my fault in the first place. Until reality slaps you in the face. Everything becomes clearer in those few seconds where your face is still stinging from that slap.

Expectations. I feel like ripping that word into a million pieces then scattering it into a volcano with like hot lava boiling. I feel like taking every dictionary in the world and blanko-ing that word. I wish it didn't exist. All that expectations. The bane of my life. Everyone around me is telling me well you're smart so you should be able to do well. And they expect me to do well. But no. Apparently it was all an illusion. I am in fact stupider than an average human being and the only mission in my life is to live happily forever after. I wish.

But then I realise I can't complain. Putting expectations upon others. It's human nature I guess. And that causes disappointment. So much disappointment... it's like carrying the heavy burden of expectation and walking on the glass shards of life, barefooted.

Then again I am thankful for the little happy things in life. 

Infinite is out with a new teaser and block b is out with their new song. Well at least they took my mind off being frustrated. Every post needs a mention of either one of them. At least my day is brightened.

Well I shall go sleep. Really tired these few days cos I keep going to work and work and more work. I have a strong feeling that I'll be a workaholic in future, seriously.

It's 3 days to my birthday. And I'm working on that day! *Laughs sarcastically*

슬퍼 하지마

I tried my best to get those tickets. But I didn't win. I swear I would have bought the tickets if I really had the money. I really would have. Now when I have the money then all the good seats taken... Seriously damn sad okay. Like I feel so bitter now my stomach is just hurting like shit and I feel so limp and weak. 

Is there no more other chances...? I really don't want to see all the good reviews and fans spazzing then I'm like... Well I didn't go. And just hide in a corner and weep. Infinite has to be back for a fan meet up soon cos I WILL GO. I SWEAR LIKE REALLY I WILL. SO I SAVING MONEY. Working so hard during the holidays so I can get as much cash as possible in my bank account so I feel like a total workaholic right now. I think I'll be able to get at least 1000 dollars in my bank account whoop whoop. 

On that day maybe I'll go and get some merchandise and make myself happy. Oh yeah and the destiny album I'm gonna get on my birthday. Maybe I shouldn't feel so depressed and look forward to the things I could buy with that kind of money. Hmm like maybe a new guitar!!! 

Hahaha comforted myself just like that. 

Food for thought.

Man I really didn't know... 

I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have been like that.

It's back to Square 1. 

Starting again is really tiring.

Sometimes I just laugh but it really isn't funny at all.

Being foolish and clumsy isn't funny at all.

Gosh now I have this really bad headache.

It's like something is trying to drill out of my skull.

I should go sleep.

<<Random>>

But seriously. I think episode 162 of running man might by far be my favourite idol special. Maybe because myungsoo and sunggyu appeared. Although they didn't win but it was nice to see them try their best at all the games. Furthermore, idol groups I like appeared hahaha. Running man staff sure do have the eyes for all the right people to invite on the show. 

Sometimes I wonder how it is like to be an Idol. 

Does the pros ride over the cons?

Is the popularity really that worth it.

It's been quite some time and Block B has been on hiatus. Its been quite some time already and I hope they'll regain some activity. ): Maybe it's not that nice being an idol. After all, everything you do is watched upon by the public and any little silly thing is criticised. Block B was just trying to protect their rights and the Thailand scandal was obviously some silly little bored netizen trying to stir up some trouble by amplifying the actual situation. I pity them. Nobody deserves to be insulted at for no apparent reason. I hope the 1100 won project really works out.

그날.

너 아니면 안돼.

또...

Well I keep a lot of things to myself. It's not about acting mysterious but I just feel that sometimes it is better to keep to yourself than externalising everything. It's like a book in a library who is available for all to read and a diary locked up in a drawer that is only available for its owner to read. I want to be the diary. Because diaries capture memories whereas books in the library capture only the attention of readers. 

Sometimes I post about vague stuff because I just start thinking about things and then my thoughts just gets messy and I need to get some thoughts out.

It's 2am now. Time flies when I'm blogging and just thinking about things. Well I should sleep since I'm gonna be going back to CCHMS tmr and reliving the happier days. 

안용. 

Burden lifted.

Today was such a disaster. Basically it was just me at work and being clumsy as always. Accidentally spilling Parmesan cheese powder on myself... Almost dropping this plate I was wiping... But then something happened that wasn't my fault and I got scolded. But if I spoke up for myself then I would be like risking unhappiness in everyone towards me since the situation was really against me. I didn't apologise because it was something I really didn't get wrong. Okay.. Here goes.

Well the problem was that I delivered food to the wrong table and the guest had already started to eat the cod roe pasta. But apparently I had been told that the pasta was meant for table 40 -_- and that was along with the salad on the tray. I even repeated and asked all table 40 and then I went to give the pasta to the customer. Well ended up it was the wrong order and the manager got pretty pissed with me since I was the one that passed the food to the customer. But wtf seriously I even double checked the order okay. After that everyone just treated me like I was hard of hearing or something like they keep repeating what table the food was for and like how many cups of hot tea or iced water or warm water. I was super annoyed since it wasn't me that heard wrongly okay my ear holes are there for a reason. I know I may seem blur at times cos I stare into space and think about things but my memory is pretty good okay and I can remember things fine. (not bragging) 

After that I was just pretty out of everything since I was just sad and disappointed that I was wronged and then I kept thinking about how I should have just not gotten a job in a restaurant since I was so clumsy and stuff. And I got chided again for looking expressionless. I tried to hold back my annoyed face already cos I didn't want to seem like a grumpy staff and spoil other people's appetite. But then I was told to smile. Well I couldn't do anything else so I plastered this fake smile on my face. It was really hard okay because there was a lot of unhappiness within me. I tried to amuse myself and try to make some unhappiness go away by looking at cute little babies and waving at them. It did help when the crying babies stopped crying when I smiled at them. I felt a little unhappiness go away.

Basically there were quite a few Korean customers today. It seemed there were more Korean customers than the rest today. I felt proud of myself when I could actually understand them hahaha. Maybe being language inclined isn't such a bad thing after all. Learning languages quickly and being able to understand people from other countries. But I should work on my japanese... I can't understand when people with heavy japanese accents start to speak in english. Like today I heard pepperoni as Parmesan... maybe I should work in a Korean restaurant since my Korean is better than my Japanese (Japanese I learnt from watching anime to be exact) 

Speaking of customers, my favourite customers would probably be like the American and Canadians since they're really friendly and polite when they ask for things. (especially couples!!!) And smiling at them just comes naturally. Well this is just based on first impression and there is probably gonna be other exceptions but this is my opinion hehe. The worst customers would probably be the locals... Not all but there were a certain few that were really snobbish and it felt like they felt like they kind of looked down on the people working in restaurants. But excuse me, without us would be there be you eating the food and serving the food right to your table.

Well I'm really thankful for this blog because I can spill out all my troubles here. I feel like I shouldn't complain to people because I think they have their own problems too. Although its fine if people complain to me if it makes them feel better. It's really nice to know that people trust me enough to pour out their troubles. I think writing long posts like this really helps me think through about things. Complaining to others might actually make me even more upset and i might like even cry. I think i would shock a lot of people if i just started crying... Because i dont show a lot of emotions on my face. Others might feel that I'm pretty emotionless. In a way that is true... But my feelings just don't show easily. 

Peace.

I feel so much better now.